Avengerous Tales 1.22 - Avengers #43-#44

To read Avengerous Tales 1.21, go here!

So remember last time, when the Avengers learned of Black Widow’s capture and Hawkeye was justifiably eager to save her?  Well, Issue Forty-Three picks up TWO DAYS LATER, and they’re STILL sitting around Avengers Mansion.  Why?  I don’t know, to be honest, but apparently Quicksilver can fly for short distances now—a power which I believe will quickly be left by the wayside—so maybe they’re finally doing something with their “Wanda and Pietro have power fluxes” subplot after all.

Then this happens.

 

Why does this sound like Cap and Hawkeye are engaged and Hercules objects?

Actually, Hercules just doesn’t like taking orders from a mortal, even though he’s a houseguest, not an Avenger, and doesn’t have to take orders from anybody.  It also seems kind of rude, given Cap is one of the folks putting a roof over his head during his banishment, but hey, would you want to teach a demigod manners?

Captain America is more than happy to whale on Herc until our demigod-in-residence is convinced of Cap’s worthiness.  That’s nice.  Now wasn’t there something about the Black Widow being captured…?

 

Or we can do that.  That’s fine.  I guess.

So yeah.  Jan’s super-rich now, and instead of investing it like her lawyer wants her to, she plans to “take that money and live—but definitely!”  I was gonna comment on how irresponsible that is, but honestly, they’re superheroes.  They could get killed at any time, so I can see why Jan would want to make like a drug lord and spend everything on gold-plated helicopters and life-size cheese statues of Sidney Poitier while she has the chance.

Then, FINALLY, Hawkeye sneaks out to follow up on a lead about Natasha’s whereabouts.  Wait, why don’t they just ask SHIELD?  SHIELD knows her approximate location and what she was up against; why did Hawkeye need to wait for some jerk named Bruiser to call him and lure him to a typical sleazy dive in a typical sleazy part of town with the promise of information?

Also, Hawkeye sucks at undercover work.

 

I love how in these old comics the criminals always refer to themselves as “creeps” or “mooks” or whatever.  They have absolutely no delusions about their goals or their station in life: they’re low-level baddies and PROUD OF IT!

Hawkeye knocks out every guy in the bar except for Bruiser, who is more than happy to spill what he knows about where the commies are keeping the Black Widow.  Hercules tags along because he’s run out of movies in the Netflix cue and is bored.

Okay, so we’ve heard a lot about the communists and stuff so far, but we haven’t actually been there yet.  Just what is going on behind that bamboo curtain, anyway?  Well, our old friend Colonel Ling is hosting a demonstration for a General Brushov (ahar) to show off communism’s answer to Captain America: the Red Guardian.

 

That must be the slowest fall in human history, if they have time to spout all that dialogue before he hits the ground.

General Brushov gets the bright idea to lure Captain America to their base, which Colonel Ling obviously objects to because they’re keeping the super-secret Psychotron in the building, but Brushov “insists.”

Back with Hawkeye and Hercules, they have found the Black Widow thanks to a homing transmitter Hawkeye gave her WAIT WHAT THE HELL.

A HOMING TRANSMITTER.

You gave her A HOMING TRANSMITTER.  And you DIDN’T THINK TO USE THAT THE SECOND SHE DISAPPEARED?!!  What is wrong with you?!  Even if it had a limited range, you’ve heard enough from the news to figure out her approximate location—you could have at least tried!  Gahhhh, Hawkeye really does suck at this.

They try to rescue the Black Widow but run afoul of the Red Guardian.  Hercules falls for the same trick Natasha did a few issues ago and walks right into the Psychotron, which makes him think he’s battling the Hydra (the original, not the organization).  Hawkeye is quickly felled and thrown in a plastic tube next to Black Widow’s (and what is with these guys and giant plastic tubes?).

When Hawkeye awakens, Red Guardian unmasks, giving the Black Widow quite a surprise.

 
Really?  You don’t want an explanation for how your girlfriend’s long-lost husband has come back from the dead?  Really?

So the Red Guardian promises to give Captain America a wedgie, while the Avengers find a note from Hawkeye saying that he’s running away from home and don’t you dare follow.

Of course they dare.  It’s actually a funny sequence: Cap says that going after Hawkeye could cause an international incident and that the only sensible thing to do is leave him there… and then he tells Goliath to start the car.  I think Cap is my favorite.

Issue Forty-Four opens with Colonel Ling and General Brushov paying their captives a visit to gloat about what they’ve done with Hercules.

 

Did you break into Dionysus’s wine cellar, Herc?

Ling waxes poetic about the awesomeness of the Psychotron, but Brushov rightly points out that Black Widow wasn’t affected nearly as badly as they expected.  Brushov insists she take a lie detector test—because those are always completely infallible—and she passes easily, so they let her go and leave Hawkeye to angst.

Meanwhile, the Avengers arrive, only to end up on the wrong end of a whole lot of guns.

 
“The world must never know of our Sunday night drag shows!”

And this is just the beginning of a long battle against a blaster cannon, a para-sonic thermo-ray, and guys with jetpacks and stun beams.  Ahh, comics.  Oh, and let’s not forget our old friend, the Conveniently Placed Trap Door, which drops Cap into our other old friend, the Giant Glass Capsule.  Is there a bargain basement someplace where villains can buy this stuff wholesale?

Cap busts out of the tube, but Red Guardian is right there, ready to prove his superiority.  Let the battle begin!

 

Do they not have mirrors behind the Bamboo Curtain?  What do you think you’ve got on your own costume, dude?

Cap soon gets the upper hand, causing Colonel Ling to electrocute him before he can completely overpower the Red Guardian.  As you can imagine, the Red Guardian is annoyed at that, right up until Ling notices that Black Widow has wandered off to sabotage the Psychotron.  Ling tries to shoot her, but the Red Guardian leaps in the bullet’s path, sacrificing himself for her.

But the danger ain’t over yet: last time I checked, most guns can hold more than one bullet at a time.  Ling’s second shot is a bit wonky thanks to interference from Hawkeye (Black Widow hit a button that let him out of the capsule before going after the Psychotron), but it doesn’t go quite wonky enough.

 
Despite the whole getting shot thing, Natasha successfully destroyed the Psychotron, enabling Hercules to break out with ease.  They regroup with the rest of the team, but as Hercules carries out an unconscious Cap, Ling still hasn’t learned his lesson and tries one more shot.  The Red Guardian stops him yet again and he ends up hitting a gas pipe, causing a massive explosion.

If that wasn’t enough fiery destruction for you, it turns out the whole base was built on a volcano, and the explosion triggers an eruption that destroys the entire area.  The Avengers make it out just in time and get Natasha to a hospital in Hawaii, where she eventually recovers enough to tell them about her and the now deceased Red Guardian, a.k.a. Alexi.  It’s the typical story: boy marries girl, boy’s government fakes his death so they can train him to become a killing machine, girl’s grief is manipulated into a desire to honor her husband’s memory by becoming a spy.  Same old, same old.  Oh, and we also find out how Natasha beat the lie detector test: SHIELD hypnotized her into believing she really had turned traitor.

This story was actually pretty good once it got started—it was nice to see the Black Widow doing her thing—but I absolutely cannot get over how this all should have happened several issues ago.  I can maybe buy that the rest of the Avengers didn’t know about Black Widow’s tracking device, but Hawkeye is the one who gave it to her.  Why did he do that if he was just going to forget about it the minute he actually had need of it?  Blargh.

To read Avengerous Tales 1.23, go here!

Images from Avengers #43 and Avengers #44