We’ve got
something a little different lined up for today’s review: the very first Avengers Annual, the first of
twenty-three specials featuring Earth’s Mightiest Heroes published from 1967 to
1994. Obviously that means they weren’t
printed every year, so the title of annual
will prove false, but anyway. Because
it’s so long, we’re only reviewing this one issue instead of the two I normally
cover per post. Let’s see if this story
is worth the extra pages.
First, Don Heck has returned! Only for two issues, but still, told you he’d be back.
And now on with
the story. We open at an unnamed prison,
where Tony Stark is installing a new method of riot control.
Uh, it’s making a “zzz” sound and sparking bright yellow. Just how painless and harmless can this thing possibly be?
It just so
happens that this prison houses one Arthur Parks, a.k.a. the Living Laser, who
is naturally preparing an escape. He’s
put together a pair of wrist lasers with some materials that magically appeared
by his cell one day. He does question
this development, but not enough to not make the escape attempt.
After a brief
tussle with Iron Man, Laser spontaneously vanishes. Hmmm, a villain mysteriously teleporting out
in the middle of a fight? Isn’t that
what happened with the Swordsman when the Mandarin decided… aw, nut bunnies.
WELL YOU CAME AND YOU GAVE WITHOUT TAKIN’
BUT I SENT YOU AWAY
OH MANDY……
But seriously,
one: Mandy, it is super creepy to teleport people to your hideout and then
force them into new costumes like you did with Living Laser here. That is skeevy-French-guy-in-Raiders-of-the-Lost-Ark behavior. Stop it.
Two: These
people have only been in the room together for two minutes and already they’re
fighting. Why in the nine realms would
you EVER think that forcing them to work together is a good plan?
In order to intimidate
his new associates into behaving, the Mandarin creates a hologram of the
Sub-Mariner only to destroy him/it in front of everyone. Once they’re suitably cowed (though I’m sure
that won’t last—it never does), Mandy vaguely exposits about his master plan to
take over the world with the two-story diamond in his basement
While this is
going on, Iron Man arrives at Avengers Mansion to meet with all Avengers both
new and old (minus the Hulk) about how the Living Laser vanished. Thor also shows up to warn them about the
Enchantress and the Executioner, and Captain America reports that he’s lost
track of the Swordsman and Power Man.
As if matters
couldn’t get any worse, Nick Fury calls to tell them that all their
disappeared foes have reappeared in Africa, South America, and Asia and are
causing trouble. The Avengers make like
Scooby-Doo and split up.
Anyway, everyone
leaves but Cap and Quicksilver, who stay behind to try to figure out who’s
coordinating the attacks.
So it’s back to our
favorite locale, South America, as we see the Swordsman, Power Man, and some of
Mandarin’s soldiers preparing to attack an unnamed city in order to gain access
to their diamond stash. Why Mandy would
WANT more diamonds is beyond me, seeing as he already pilfered the Bat-diamond, but who am I to question?
Our baddies
intimidate the country’s president into surrender—because apparently no one
thought to evacuate their president the second they knew they were under
attack—by holding a giant exploding sword over the city and threatening to drop
it. Should have known the Swordsman
would be a fan of the story of Damocles.
Before the
president can sign the surrender, Wasp and Goliath burst in.
The Swordsman
manages to push the button that will cause the sword to drop, but fortunately,
Iron Man pops out of hiding and uses his repulsors to throw it into a nearby
patch of jungle, where it explodes. And
that, boys and girls, is why the tapir is now endangered.
With the sword
disposed of and its controllers tied up, the Avengers return control of the
city to the president, who asks them who the Mandarin is (Power Man name-dropped
him earlier). Now the Avengers know who
the brains behind this operation is, just as Mandarin knows one-third of his
plan has failed. He’s not worried,
though. After all, he’s still got three
more villains out there ready to do his bidding.
Speaking of
which, let’s check in with the Enchantress and the Executioner, who have bussed
in a group of trolls to help them terrorize the “Asian subcontinent,” again in
order to obtain more diamonds for the Mandarin.
Yeah, because Scarlet Witch has never been kidnapped before, right? Right.
The Executioner
and Hercules decide to go mano-a-mano, despite Mandy screaming at his lackey to
cut that out and get back to work. The
Executioner ignores him and transports them all to the Citadel of Silence, an
abandoned world between dimensions, so he can defeat Hercules in style while
the Enchantress does the same to the Scarlet Witch.
The fight is
especially bitter between the two women, since the Enchantress has decided to
crush on Hercules instead of Thor and she senses that Hercules kinda digs
Scarlet Witch. So there are some straight people in this comic.
Gay or straight,
the Avengers (wait, is Hercules an official Avenger now?) triumph, and they
leave their foes tied up for Odin to retrieve at his leisure. Using the Executioner’s battle ax, Hercules
returns himself and Scarlet Witch to Earth, where the Mandarin is totally not
worried, you guys, his plan can still succeed!
And that brings
us to the final part of this adventure.
The Living Laser has been sent to Africa—just all of Africa apparently—to intimidate parliament into giving him,
you guessed it, diamonds. What is he
trying to do, put Tiffany’s out of business?
Look, I hated Mickey Rooney’s performance in Breakfast at Tiffany’s too, but that’s no reason to punish the
store, man. Also, I don’t think the
artist knew he was supposed to be drawing Africa because THERE’S NOTHING BUT
WHITE PEOPLE HERE.
Now you’d think
pitting Hawkeye and Thor against the Living Laser would be overkill, but it
turns out Laser’s not really alone. He’s
got Ultimo—a giant blue android in a loincloth that the Mandarin created back
in Tales of Suspense #76 by “combining
the mystic secrets of the far east with the scientific wonders of the west” because
it’s not like China has its own staggeringly impressive history of scientific advances—to help him
out.
Ultimo’s
super-good at his job, too—he uses an energy beam to prevent Thor’s hammer from
returning to him, and of course, if Thor can’t get it back in sixty seconds, he
turns back into Don Blake. Fortunately,
Hawkeye buys him some time and Thor, hammer in hand (shut up), forces Ultimo
back into the volcano he came from.
Please. I give it a week before he’s found, refurbished, and back on the warpath.
Well that about
wraps it up for Mandy’s cronies, but what about Mandy himself? Cap and Quicksilver are taking care of
that. They’ve traced a series of electronic
signals from space of all places, so they fly off in a military rocket to
confront the Mandarin on his space station.
It’s not long before the other Avengers, having taken their opponents
into custody, come up to join the fun.
Mandarin can’t possibly defeat them all on his own even with his ten
rings, can he?!!
Well let’s not
forget that giant diamond Mandy’s kept stashed away. He claims it will help him take over the
world, but what does it really do?
I was expecting
him to use it as a more physical weapon, like using it to focus some sort of
energy beam at a target or something. Since
when do diamonds, even synthetic ones, shoot hate rays? How do you load a diamond with hate? He said the fuel is other, natural diamonds
but that makes even less sense. Since when are diamonds a fuel source, let
alone for other diamonds? ARGH WHAT IS
THIS I DON’T EVEN.
The Mandarin
shoots some… hate… rays… (I can’t believe I just typed that) at the Avengers
(apparently he had just enough diamonds aboard to make it work over short
distances), causing them to attack each other.
Um, wouldn’t it make more sense for their natural hatred of the Mandarin
to be enhanced, causing them to go after him even harder? Oh, what the hell am I doing, it’s a DIAMOND
THAT SHOOTS HATE RAYS. There is no logic
to be found here.
Actually, the
ray compels each Avengers to attack the person closest to them. In Wasp’s case, the nearest person happens to
be the Mandarin and she knocks him into the control panel, inadvertently
freeing her teammates. As a back-up
plan, Mandarin decides to create a series of explosions. On board his space station. In the middle of space. Why is he Iron Man’s deadliest foe, again?
Big surprise,
Quicksilver jostles the machine and it goes out of control, blasting a huge
hole in the side of the craft.
But seriously, I
am REALLY curious about how they explain his inevitable resurrection from being
sucked into the vacuum of space
unprotected.
The Avengers
plug the hole with Mandy’s giant diamond (oh the irony) and then rig the space
station to explode. It was Cap’s idea,
of course. He’s like one step away from
becoming Heatwave, I swear.
Anyway, the
Avengers agree that they should get together more often, though maybe with
fewer explosions, and all’s well that ends well except for the Mandarin, whose
lungs probably just exploded.
Final
thoughts? Well, I don’t get why Mandy
and Friends were trying to intimidate governments to get the diamonds they
wanted. They’re supervillains with
access to wildly advanced technologies and magic—couldn’t they have gone
directly to the mines and taken what they wanted?
Still, I really
did enjoy this issue. I appreciate the
fact that they didn’t go straight for the obvious mash-ups—e.g. Thor vs.
Enchantress or Hawkeye vs. Swordsman—which says to me that the creators were
really thinking this through and putting some effort in. And I was genuinely curious to see how the
Mandarin would take over the world with an oversized rock, even though I knew
the answer would be silly and comic book-y—if I didn’t like that sort of thing,
I wouldn’t be here. Granted, this was a
whole lot sillier than I planned on, but still.
Long story
short, the set-up was fun, and even the climax was enjoyable in a stupid sort
of way, so I consider the very first Avengers
Annual a success.
And gay. Let’s not forget gay.
Images from Avengers Annual #1
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