Avengerous Tales 1.17 - Avengers #33-#34

 

To read Avengerous Tales 1.16, go here!

Welcome, nerds and nerdlings, to a very special edition of Avengerous Tales.  Or at least it would be special, if the writer wasn’t so outrageously stupid.

***The first half of this review contains depictions and discussion of racism and racially motivated violence.  If you'd prefer to avoid that, don't start reading until you see "Now that Marvel's gotten that..."
 

First off, what’s with this cover?  It looks like Cap is beating up a deformed Michelangelo.  (Must be the Michael Bay version.  THANK YOU THANK YOU I’LL BE HERE ALL WEEK.)

We start with the Serpents spouting more White Makes Right garbage, and Captain America is suitably unimpressed.  But the Serpents don’t care—they’ve got to go visit the Avengers, who have agreed to stop fighting them for the time being.  Hawkeye is less than thrilled about capitulating and accuses Goliath of giving in like a chicken.  Then Wasp reveals that the Serpent members who just left were wired with explosives and would have taken out the mansion if Hawkeye had fought them like he wanted.

 

First, uh, why is Goliath destroying their own equipment?  And second, no Hawkeye, you don’t need to apologize.  I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Hawkeye is not in the wrong here.  If Goliath had just explained what happened the second the Serpents left instead of dilly-dallying for a page and PUNCHING HAWKEYE IN THE FACE for daring to question him, this entire argument could have been avoided.

Also, I feel kind of bad now—I gave that long rant about why Hawkeye is a jerk, and then right after that, he finally got his act together.  It still took him way too long, but still.

Anyway, the Serpents leave another tape behind, this one instructing the Avengers to come to their next meeting.  Meanwhile, back with General Chen…

 

Yellow-Suited Clark Kent didn’t get the memo that the Sons of the Serpents are doing more than saying things; they are actively seeking out and assaulting people of color, AND they tried to blow up General Chen’s car in the last issue.  How is that “keeping within the law”?  And why are the police letting them have a huge public gathering instead of carting them off for questioning?

Also, Chen may be an evil dictator (or so say the white people in the room—we haven’t seen Chen’s country for ourselves, so who even knows), but he’s right about this one thing.  In fact, if I remember my World War II history correctly (maybe Cap can help me out on this one), Japanese propaganda said the exact same thing Chen is saying—how can America claim to be a land of freedom when they persecute sizable chunks of their own people?—and basically forced Congress to repeal several racist laws so that they couldn’t be used in enemy propaganda anymore.

Back at Avengers HQ, Bill Foster shows up, spitting mad that the Avengers appear to be siding with the guys who beat him up.  He read about this development in the newspaper.  Wow, that was quick.  The timeline is admittedly not well-defined here, but I kind of got the sense that this was all occurring on the same day.  Did the Serpents already have papers printed up so they could start distributing them the second the Avengers capitulated?

Anyway, Goliath asks Bill to just trust him.  Surprisingly, this does not go down well.

But now, it’s the big event: the Sons of the Serpent meeting at which the Avengers will formally announce their allegiance with them.  The Serpents are super excited about this, especially since they’ve apparently brainwashed Cap.

 

“I mean, who would have imagined that Captain America would sell out for a secondhand Subaru?”
“I thought we didn’t like foreigners…”
“Foreigners, no.  Foreign cars, hell yeah!”

The Avengers show up to the venue as promised… mostly.  Hawkeye stays in the Avengers’ scout ship, because apparently they have one of those now, to infiltrate the Serpents’ airship and kick some snake tail.  In the meantime, Goliath and Wasp have no choice but to take the stage.  The audience has a lot to say about this.

 

“But I’m from New Mexico…”
“CLOSE ENOUGH, TACO-BREATH.”

But no, Goliath does not endorse the Serpents!  Instead, he gives a rousing speech about how America was founded on values of love and acceptance, not hatred and tyranny!  I’m sure the black people who were enslaved and considered 3/5ths of a person until 1865, the women who weren’t allowed to vote until 1920, the people of color who weren’t allowed to become naturalized citizens until the 1952 repeal of the Naturalization Act of 1790, the non-heterosexuals who still aren’t protected by anti-discrimination laws or allowed to marry in large chunks of the country, and the Native Americans whom we violently stole this land from in the first place would whole-heartedly agree with that sentiment.

The Serpents also take issue with Goliath’s speech, but for slightly different reasons.  They send Cap out to do some damage control, and it works wonderfully: Cap accuses Goliath of being a traitor, and the crowd rises up in arms against the ten-foot Avenger.

 

The entire place erupts into pandemonium.  The Serpents, responding to an alert from their cloud ship (remember, Hawkeye is screwing around up there), decide to retreat there, and Goliath and Wasp follow.  There they team up with Hawkeye, Black Widow (who apparently arrived with Hawkeye but was, I don’t know, doing her nails until now), and the real Captain America.  Turns out the brainwashing attempt failed, so the Supreme Serpent stole his costume and gave it to someone else.  Cap tells them exactly what he thinks of that.

There’s some brief drama when the Supreme Serpent holds Hawkeye at gunpoint (well, snakepoint… gun-shaped-like-a-snakepoint) but the ladies swoop in and disarm him, so it’s all good.  Now all that’s left is to unmask the Supreme Serpent once and for all!

 

And now you know why I hate this issue so much.  If the lightbulb hasn’t gone off for you yet, allow me to flip the switch for you.

This comic blames American racism on a foreigner.  If anything, they’re implying that Americans are too stupid to be racist without outside intervention: the American members of the Serpents immediately repent and disband when Chen is unmasked.  During the Serpents’ final rally, the narrator describes the audience as “confused” and “uncomprehending,” as if they’ve been enchanted by General Chen’s words and are somehow being forced into racist thoughts and actions.  No one but Chen is ever punished or forced to take responsibility for their actions—which, may I remind you, involved physically assaulting at least two people.  But hey, none of these nice folks would ever have beat up a person of color if not for the manipulative commie in their midst!  Honest!  Even Furriner Guy isn’t so bad when you get to know him!

I assure you, Marvel, white Americans are perfectly capable of being racists WITHOUT some Asian guy pulling the strings (the fact that the Chinese Exclusion Act was ever a thing should prove that out of hand), but for some reason, Chen doesn’t take advantage of pre-existing racial tensions.  He had to personally lead a racist hate group in order to put his plan into motion because, I don’t know, apparently racism wouldn’t exist in America without General Chen’s interference.  THANKS, COMMUNISM.

The worst of it is that no one says the word “racism.”  Now maybe I’m old-fashioned, but it seems to me that if you want to argue against something, you should come out and SAY WHAT THAT THING IS.  The closest we get is when they toss the word “bigotry” at us a few times, but that’s a pretty broad term.  Let’s call a spade a spade here, shall we?

I hate this story because it places the blame for racism on the person it’s supposed to be protecting from racism.  General Chen is the only Asian person in this story, and he’s depicted as a scheming enemy, not a potential victim of America’s deeply-ingrained racism.  Now that’s not to say Asians are incapable of being bigots or anything like that, but that’s not what this story was about.  This story was about an incredibly obvious expy of the Ku Klux Klan, which is one of the most famous hate groups in America, so we’re clearly meant to know who the Serpents represent.  And what is the Klan famous for?  Being a bunch of white supremacist dicks who want all non-whites eliminated.  And what did Marvel turn them into?  A bunch of innocent white people who were tricked and manipulated into hating their fellow man thanks to a non-white lowlife.  Way to undermine your own message there.

But of course that’s a moot point because this comic does not care about racism.  Nor does this comic care about minorities; the fact that there were only three, that one of them was the villain, and that the other two disappear so that the white folks can save the day clearly demonstrates that.  Marvel took what could have been a preachy but bold story about the folly of racism and turned it into yet another anti-communist screed.  Look, I know we’re in the middle of the Cold War and Vietnam and all that stuff, but for crying out loud, not everything is communism’s fault.  Don’t introduce a heavy topic like racism just to derail it with unrelated political propaganda.  If you can’t discuss a mature topic like racism in a mature manner, then shut up and let Dennis O’Neil handle it.
 

 

Thank you.

Now that Marvel’s gotten that ill-advised venture out of their system, they can go back to doing what they do best: creating melodramatic supervillains in stupid costumes.

 

That’s the Living Laser.  He should probably see a psychiatrist or two.  Or at the very least a tailor.

The Avengers are called in to investigate, but the only thing they find is an old friend of Jan’s, Lucy Barton (no relation to Hawkeye, as far as I know), and they exchange “the usual female questions and answers.”  I… don’t know what those are supposed to be… but then Lucy spots a familiar face in the crowd.

 

 

I’m sure this will not be relevant to the case in any way, shape or form.

Meanwhile, Parks takes one look at the Wasp and falls straight onto a Cupid’s arrow.  He goes home and starts scheming about how a loser like him can possibly win the Wasp away from Goliath.  But hey, it’s no problem—after all, he can get anything he wants now that he’s discovered how to become the Living Laser!

What?  You mean you already knew that Lucy’s unhinged ex is also our villain?  What did you do, get a consultation with Lilith Clay?  (Yes, I know, wrong universe.  You’re the one who can foresee totally unforeseeable plot twists.)

With no clues as to who robbed the bank, the Avengers go do their own thing.  In Hank and Jan’s case, that means continuing to look for a cure for Hank’s ten-footedness.  Or maybe twelve-footedness; Hank says he’s twelve feet here, but I could have sworn it was ten feet a few issues ago…

Even Bill Foster forgives them for last issue’s deception and returns to help out.  They feel they’re really close to a solution, too, but how can they possibly science with a dad-blamed woman-person in the building?

 

 

“I have no defining personality traits!  Tee hee!”*

The second Wasp leaves, the Living Laser takes the opportunity to crash the mansion in hopes that murdering Jan’s current boyfriend will make her want to date him instead.  He doesn’t get the chance to find out, as Goliath charges outside, hides in a tree, waits for Laser to come close enough, and then picks him up and drops him hard enough to knock him out.

Meanwhile, the police have deduced that the bank vault was cut by a laser, so Cap and Hawkeye swing by Hank’s lab to fill him in.  They get there just in time to haul away the Living Laser’s unconscious body.  Unfortunately, he doesn’t stay unconscious for long and escapes by cutting a hole in the bottom of the Avengers’ plane, forcing our heroes to bail out before they crash.

 

I honestly don’t know if that was supposed to be a dig at Iron Man’s roller skates, or if the writer just didn’t know Iron Man has roller skates.  They already messed up Goliath’s height, so…

The Living Laser goes on a mad spree, destroying random junk that was going to be destroyed anyway, like a building set for demolition.  Fear him?

Hawkeye tracks our intractable illuminator to a bridge, where he’s shooting at cars from his hiding place in a nearby building.  Hawkeye and Cap storm the place, only to end up trapped in the middle of a cage made of lasers.  Wasp tries to rescue them…

 

Er, what were you saying last issue about bigotry being bad?  Or did you just mean that bigotry against people of a different race is bad, and that bigotry against women is totally fine?  Also, fun fact: Goliath shows up in the next issue and he explicitly says that “my line is biochemistry, not mechanics,” meaning he has no idea how this machinery works either.  IT’S ALMOST LIKE MEN AREN’T ALL SUPER-GENIUSES OR SOMETHING.

Anyway, Wasp gets captured in a hurry, and the Laser flips a switch that makes the laser bars of the men’s cage get closer and closer…

So you already know how I feel about Issue Thirty-Three, but how about Thirty-Four?  Well, the reveal about Arthur Parks being the Living Laser was a bit obvious, but it’s not like it was treated as a big twist anyway—they got it over with pretty early—so that’s fine.  The rest of the story is pretty fun, though I have to admit, the Living Laser isn’t really a stand-out villain.  I guess he’s a little more obsessive than some of the others, but he’s just kind of your run-of-the-mill baddie.

To read Avengerous Tales 1.18, go here!

Images from Avengers #33, Green Lantern/Green Arrow #76, and Avengers #34

*Much later on, Jan becomes a clothing designer, so I guess you could view her obsession with shopping and getting her hair done as an extension of her love of fashion, which would in fact make comments like these representative of her personality.  However, that would have to be a retroactive interpretation because I somehow doubt Marvel did this intentionally, especially since in Avengers #2, Sue Storm refused to help our heroes because she wanted to go to a fashion show.  This is just their idea of what women do all day.