Apparently I
thought it would be a good idea to keep reviewing Sky Dancers, even after I realized that they were not the great and
glorious heroes that my nostalgia specs tried to convince me they were. Apparently I’m a knucklehead.
For those who didn’t read my review of the first two episodes of the series,
Abrams/Gentile
Entertainment (AGE Inc.) was founded in 1986 by some guys named Abrams and
Gentile. So no, if you were looking for a
non-Jewish television show, you’re in the wrong spot. According to their website, Abrams/Gentile
only ever made a few programs, the most notable of which seem to be Sky Dancers; a made-for-TV remake of
Orson Welles’ The Magnificent Ambersons;
and an animated adaptation of Rambo
of all things. Of course, their site
doesn’t appear to have been updated since 2002, so make of that what you will.
Another company
you can safely stone for the existence of Sky
Dancers is Gaumont Multimedia (now called Xilam), a French-based production
company that is apparently really into Queen—they brought us both the
live-action and animated Highlander TV
shows, as well as a cartoon called A Kind
of Magic that uses the Queen song it stole its name from (in the English
dub, anyway; in French it’s just called Magic)
as its theme music. Come to think of it,
Sky Dancers would be significantly
improved by the inclusion of a Queen-penned theme song. I recommend My Fairy King—it’s grand, features some truly epic high notes
courtesy of Roger Taylor, and ends with the protagonist’s wings destroyed, the
king violently deposed and the whole kingdom in irreparable shambles. I always did like a happy ending. (Incidentally, I have yet to see the two Highlander series, but the pilot of A Kind of Magic is kind of adorable. I think AGE was just holding Xilam back.)
But enough stalling
history. “Broken Stone” starts with Jade
attempting to learn how to dance hip-hop and, according to Slam anyway, failing
horrifically. They bicker and snipe at
each other for a bit—calling it now, they end up together by the series finale!—and
end up slamming into a rather poorly placed bit of scenery during a failed attempt
to recreate that lift from Dirty Dancing.
So why is there one piece of scenery in the otherwise bare rehearsal room? I don’t know, but it knocks the Sky Swirl Stone right out of Dame Skyla’s glove. Skyla insists that they all go to the Wingdom immediately to get some guy named the Tinker (oooh, creative!) to reset the stone before it loses its powers… which kind of makes no sense since the Stone’s powers were never tied directly to its position in the glove. Heck, in that flashback in the pilot, the Stone was originally in King Skylar’s staff thingy, and then he took it out to give it to Skyla without any instructions to put it in the glove before the expiration date. It’s the stone that’s magic, not its placement in any item of clothing, so why didn’t you just have the Stone smash into several pieces after the collision? That’d be legitimate and… ah, nut bunnies. We’re only a minute in and already I’ve been waylaid by easily fixable continuity errors! Back on track!
Things start to
go wrong almost instantly when the crew transforms into the Sky Dancers, FLY
through the portal to the Wingdom, and then declare that they CAN’T fly and are
freefalling to the ground. I already
established in my last review that these people have no idea what the term
“fly” actually means, and apparently they didn’t check a dictionary since we
last checked in with them. Skyla, her
dogs Whirl and Twirl, and Breeze (who explains that he’s using his wings as a
hang glider, which I’m pretty sure would make any physicist cry but whatever) manage to save the others, and Angelica is so
grateful that she kisses him (Breeze, not the dog). Breeze’s reaction is truly something to
behold:
 |
| "Cool!" |
“Cool”? No, dude, just… no. “Cool” is only an acceptable reaction if you
just got your picture taken with Superman, or if you just found out your
favorite musician is also an astrophysicist.
It is nowhere near acceptable if you’re at your age and have just been
kissed by a female friend. Show some
appropriate happiness! Or appropriate
ambivalence! Or appropriate “wtf are you
doing?”! I know this is a kid’s show and
you don’t want to infect it with lots of cootie-swapping, but I’ve seen more
realistic relationships in Hallmark movies.
Anyway, when
they land, Skyla hypothesizes that their lack of flying ability is probably due
to the stone being broken. Woulda been
nice to warn them about this ahead of time, queenie. And hey, don’t the Sky Dancers get their
flight from the magic feathers you gave them, not the Stone? Or are those powered by the Stone too…?
The one
intelligent thing they do is to go see the Tinker right away. He doesn’t seem to be home, but Whirl and Twirl
quickly lead them to… well, I’ll let Camille take it from here:
 |
| "Looks like some kind of back door." |
And here I
thought it was a refrigerator.
The Tinker, as
it turns out, is this Wise Bearded Elder type who talks like Etrigan. But unlike Etrigan, who’s a badass, the
Tinker is just kind of annoying. Plus, one
of his big lines is “this is the most critical stage/time to turn the
page.” Not cool. But then Slam and Jade start arguing again
and the Tinker gets sick of it, so he… pulls a gun on them!?!... and makes them
leave.
While this is
going on, Sky Clone decides that it’s a beautiful day for subjugation and makes
another attempt at conquering the Wingdom.
He splits himself up into a bunch of tiny Sky Clones that he refers to
as Terrornadoes. Because… because
apparently he can do that.
 |
| "An army of terrornadoes is approaching!" |
Uh, there’s like
six of them. Six does not an army make, unless the Wingdom
has absurdly small armies… which would actually explain a lot. And while we’re at it, why are they called
“terrornadoes”? I get the supposed pun,
but they don’t do anything especially
terrifying. They just chase people and
maybe push them a little to stop them from flying. Sure, they’re bullies, but I really don’t see
how half a dozen tiny Sky Clones shoving fleeing civilians is a viable plan for
world domination.
As the citizens
of the Wingdom try to escape the Terrornadoes for some reason, the Sky Dancers
go running to Skyla, who is doing diddlysquat to try to help. When she hears of the Tinker’s refusal to tinker,
she tells her lackeys—I mean, Sky Dancers—to get their butts back there and
convince him that Jade and Slam are buddies again. So while Breeze and Angelica distract the
Terrornadoes and Camille and Skyla sit around doing nothing as usual, the two
troublemakers make their way back to the Tinker, who is about as happy to see
them as I am and pulls a gun on them AGAIN. (!!!!)
This new threat prompts
Jade and Slam to start stepping in front of each other to protect each other
from whatever it is that thing shoots. The
delivery is so casual that it’s more like when two people arrive at a doorway at
the same moment and each is too polite to walk through first.
“I’ll shield you with my body to protect you from whatever is about to shoot out of that gun, Jade.” “Oh, no, I wouldn’t dream of it. Let me shield you instead.” “Oh, no please, I insist!”
This makes the
Tinker realize that maybe they like each other after all, and he agrees to fix
the stone. Though if he’s lived this
long without realizing that people can argue and still be friends, I really
have to worry for his interpersonal relationships. But anyway.
Tinker fixes the Stone and the Sky Dancers get their powers back. Joy.
Meanwhile,
Breeze and Angelica’s ruse—to lure the Terrornadoes away by hitching a ride on
Whirl and Twirl, making Sky Clone think they’ve got their flight back—has kind
of worn off as their trick is discovered.
And actually, that plan doesn’t make any sense anyway, since there are
six Terrornadoes. You’d think he could
chase them and storm the palace at the same time, but why am I questioning
this? Back at the palace, Skyla is
watching the same footage of screaming citizens that she was earlier in the
episode (maybe she’s looking at hi-def news footage instead of out the window) when the Terrornadoes break in.
They attack
Camille, surrounding her and lifting her into the air, but thankfully, that’s
when Jade and Breeze return with the Stone, because heaven forbid Skyla
actually DO something. The moment
Camille regains her flight, she is easily able to escape, which sends the
Terrornadoes… plummeting to the ground?
With her
regained powers, Camille creates a cloud cage for the Terrornadoes, with bars
far enough apart that they’re able to slip right out. So wait, how does this lack of flying affect
their special abilities, anyway? Were
those connected to the Sky Swirl Stone’s magic too? Why didn’t Camille try to trap them before…? But apparently the clouds were so terrifying
to the Terrornadoes that they retreat as soon as they escape. Jeez, Sky Clone, no wonder you always lose! You can’t expect to take over a city full of
fliers if you’re afraid of clouds. Maybe you should start out someplace simpler
where there aren’t any clouds, like the city of the mole men or something.
But the highlight
of the episode has got to be the moment where Slam scares the last Terrornado
away BY HOLDING HIS HAND IN FRONT OF IT.
That’s okay. It’s not like that was an important detail or anything.
Sky Clone flees
because he is dumb, the Wingdom is saved once again, and Jade and Slam learn to
work together. The Sky Dancers give a
recital at the palace because hey, they just kicked Sky Clone’s butt and
they’re gonna celebrate. I can get behind that. The Tinker is
there too, recording their performance… with the gun from earlier? Wait… so it wasn’t really a gun after all? Is it a gun and a video recorder? Is it
really a gun and he’s just pretending
it’s a video camera so Skyla won’t get mad at him for threatening her students
with it? Care to shed some light on
this, Mr. Tinker?
 |
| "I tink, therefore I am." |
Ask a stupid
question…
And while we’re
on the subject, just how big of a dunce is this Tinker? First he refuses to fix his queen’s most
prized possession just because twenty percent of her henchdancers don’t get
along. Then he continues to refuse to fix it, even when it’s the only thing that
can save his OWN WINGDOM from being overrun by bad guys. And then he PULLS A GUN (or a video recorder)
on the Sky Dancers because he refuses to believe they’ve apologized to each
other for no good reason, and indicates to them that he fully intends to shoot
THE QUEEN’S students just because they ticked him off a little. Does the next episode involve Skyla court martialing
the stupid out of him? Well, something’s
telling me the answer is a resounding ‘no’, but let’s check it out anyway. Heck, I’ll be surprised if he shows up again
in any capacity.
The fourth
episode, “Getting the Story,” begins at a carnival where we are introduced to a
character who will easily give the Tinker a run for his money on the ‘sheer
annoyance’ scale—Caroline, a reporter for the newspaper run by the Sky Dancers’
old high school and… wait a minute! These…
the Sky Dancers are in college? Are you kidding?! When did that happen! I always assumed people this annoying and
this stupid had to be high
schoolers! You mean they actually passed
the SATs? Entrance exams? Probably even hold part-time jobs? Are legal
adults? This… this is just not
computing with me here. It’s bad enough
I thought these idiots were old enough to drive, but now I find out
they’re old enough to vote?! Although I guess I should be grateful that they
managed to use the word “alumnus” correctly… (In the next scene, the school
principal refers to Breeze as such. I was moderately impressed.)
After about ten
seconds, they move from the carnival to an auditorium… sooo what was the point
of the carnival then?… to watch Breeze dance/jump around while dressed as that
guy Pocahontas didn’t want to marry.
After the show, Caroline bullies her way into Breeze’s dressing room for an interview with a look that sort of implies she’s gonna harass him while she’s in there. The others presumably go to call a cop while, at High Hope Dance Academy, Queen Skyla has just gotten word that Sky Clone is attacking a city called Sky Hive. She teleports the Sky Dancers to her side to help stop him. Wait, so the Sky Swirl Stone can teleport people now? You’re just making up powers as you go along, aren’t you? And this one has about fifty thousand opportunities to go wrong—she could beam them up while they’re in front of dozens of people, in the shower, giving someone a hug… ahem…
Back in Breeze’s
dressing room….
As you can see,
Breeze keeps a feather warbonnet around BECAUSE HE’S NATIVE AMERICAN. ARE YOU SURE YOU GOT THAT, OR DO WE NEED TO
THROW IN MORE STEREOTYPES? BECAUSE WE TOTALLY WOULDN'T MIND MORE STEREOTYPES.
Anyway, Caroline
makes like Jillian from Star Trek IV and
hugs Breeze at the exact moment he is teleported and transformed into a Sky
Dancer.
 |
| "Who is that girl and what is she doing here?" |
Her body was
never found. The end!
Of course
not. They actually decide to bring
Caroline with them INTO THE MIDDLE OF AN INVASION for the time being since
there’s no time to explain what’s going on.
Well, no one ever accused the Sky Dancers of being intelligent.
While this is
going on, Sky Clone has conquered Sky Hive and threatens to vaporize all their
wings. But one Sky Hiver manages to get
away and inform Skyla of what is going on.
“Have no fear. The Sky Dancers are
here,” says Skyla. Darn it, woman, they
need help, not stupid catchphrases! And the fact that you stole that from
Underdog probably isn’t going to inspire a whole lot of confidence in your
subjects!
The Sky Dancers fly off to kick butt while Skyla... does... something, leaving Caroline alone. So if you were just going to leave her alone anyway, why not leave her back at the Dance Academy where she couldn’t get into any trouble? And guess what happens—she runs off and gets into trouble! Never saw that coming!
Back at Sky Hive, Sky Clone
is incapacitating the Sky Hivers with his…“special goop”? I thought you said it was a vaporizer! I mean sure, that would have been a little
dark for this show, but come on!
Oh, and by the way? The goop is
easily dissolved by rain. Granted, it was Breeze who instigated the
storm (“power over wind, rain and nature” and all that), but I’m assuming they
have relatively Earth-like weather patterns in Sky Hive. It would have rained eventually anyway, thus
freeing the Sky Hivers from Sky Clone’s goop.
And what if it just happened to start raining naturally in the middle of
his scheme? Did he check the weather
forecast beforehand?
So yeah, the Sky
Hivers get away, and Caroline attempts to get an interview from Sky Clone’s
fleeing Imps. Breeze saves her (WHY?!!),
and they all hide themselves and the Hivers in the main… Hive… building… or
whatever, to the cheers of the Sky Hivers.
Not sure why they’re cheering, as they’re now trapped inside
indefinitely since Sky Clone and his Horrorcanes are sitting right outside the
door—a fact which Caroline finds out the hard way when she ventures outside
because she is an idiot. Here’s a hint,
lady: just because you’ve dubbed yourself a war correspondent doesn’t mean you
go looking for trouble, okay? You think that’s how Edward R. Murrow made it
big, by wandering around London during the Blitz?
Big shock—Sky
Clone takes her hostage and says he’ll only release her if Skyla gives him the
Sky Swirl Stone. Skyla agrees to talk,
but meanwhile, she and the Sky Dancers come up with a super-sneaky ninja plan
to save Caroline (which they all somehow agree is the right thing to do) and keep the Sky Swirl Stone.
 |
| Jade: "When they're all the way in, wham! We fly in and save the day!" |
…That’s the
plan? Well I guess we’ll lump that into
the “boring but practical” category.
Someone in Sky
Clone’s coat walks into the building, but as the obscured lighting, obstructed
camera angles and my blatantly transparent phrasing suggest, it’s not Sky Clone
but Caroline because… because she thought it would start a new fashion
trend? I don’t know.
Sky Clone
carefully stays at a distance while declaring that he’s not going to take the
Stone so long as Skyla keeps Caroline away from him. See, she’s been spending her entire captivity
trying to interview Sky Clone about his plans for world domination and, um,
losing the extra weight. In other words, Caroline being an insufferable clueless moron was an actual plot point. Who knew?
Still, Sky Clone, you were right
there. Would it really have killed
you to fake it long enough to get the thing you’ve been obsessing over for what
appears to be a pitiably large portion of your adult life? I know Caroline is intolerable, but this is
phenomenal cosmic power we’re talking about here.
With the day
saved, the Sky Dancers, Skyla, and Caroline return to Earth. Skyla makes up another superpower—amnesia
hand-waving—to erase Caroline’s memory of the whole incident, thus preserving
the Sky Dancers’ heartily transparent secret identities another day.
And there you
have it, episodes 3 and 4 of Sky Dancers. Any final thoughts?
Well… no. These episodes really aren’t any better or
worse than the first two—the animation is mediocre at best, the characters are either flat or painfully irritating,
and the plots are filled with more holes than Camille’s cloud cage. The only thing that sets “Broken Stone” and
“Getting the Story” apart is the fact that they’ve added horrible new
characters. The Sky Dancers may be
bland, but at least they don’t make me want to tie their shoelaces together.
But I guess I
should try thinking of something positive to say about this. Uh… it only lasted one season? Nah, that’s not nice. Well, I did adore this series as a kid, so there must be something here that I found
appealing. Was it the bright
colors? The wings? The totally rad dance moves? I have no idea, but you can expect intermittent Sky Dancers reviews at least until I figure it out. You’re welcome.
Next Time: Dangit, Chloe, vampires don’t
work that way! And stop referencing
Buffy for no reason!
Images from Sky Dancers
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