"The Sky's the Limit"/"On Wings of Song" - Sky Dancers

Hey there, children of the ‘90s!  Ready for a blast from the past that’ll make you feel old?  You’ve come to the right place.  And yes, I am counting the Sky Dancers as superheroes.  They are on the side of good, have special powers, and fight a designated supervillain, and that’s good enough for my money.  Though after watching the show, I’m kinda wishing it wasn’t.

Sky Dancers started as a popular line of toys aimed at girls in 1994.  If you haven’t seen them before, they look like this.

As you can see, they were basically little dolls with foam wings that clicked into a base with a pull string attached.  You pull the string and the doll goes spinning into the air… but what goes up must come down, and the toys were recalled after just six years after a whopping one hundred and fifty Sky Dancer-related injuries were reported.  And I don’t just mean a bump on the head—the press release indicates that at least one person broke a rib and another suffered a concussion thanks to Sky Dancer toys.  Okay, I’ve played with Sky Dancers in the past (and by “the past” I mean “ten minutes ago.” *cough* It was research, dangit!!), and I have no clue how you could possibly concuss yourself with that thing.  The doll itself can’t weigh any more than a few ounces, so unless some kid was actively beating on someone with the base, I really don’t see how you could break anything except into a smile.

But I’m getting off topic here.  During the height of the doll’s popularity—1996 to be precise—some clever soul decided to capitalize on the success of the toy line with a cheaply animated, poorly written cartoon series in which the “Sky Dancers” are revealed to be teenaged dance students who travel to another dimension to defend their dance instructor’s kingdom from a fat green dude and his band of bothersome bootlickers.  Somehow, the show lasted an entire season, but as a kid, I only had the first six episodes on VHS tapes (remember those?).  I remember really loving those tapes as a kid, so I’m looking forward to watching them again for the first time in years and crushing my cherished childhood memories into fairy dust when I realize how bad they are. 

The first episode, “The Sky’s the Limit”, is basically an origin story for the Sky Dancers, whose secret identities are average (?) teenagers Jade (Science Geek), Camille (Cool Black Chick), Breeze (Indian Guy), Angelica (Annoying Blonde), and Slam (Wannabe Ninja Turtle).  If you’re wondering about the parentheticals, those are pretty much the only personality traits these people ever get.  Enjoy. 

We begin at High Hope Dance Academy, which is located in a rather awkward place…

What, you’ve never been to a school on a giant plateau rising three hundred stories out of the ground before?  Seriously, though, is there an elevator in there or something?  You sure as heck aren’t driving there. Meanwhile, the school’s best students—and, so far as we ever see, the school’s only students—are giving the world’s shortest recital. (I timed it; the whole thing, uncut, lasts one minute and thirty-nine seconds.)  And right from the first lines of dialogue, we can tell that this show is going to be a real gem.

Jade: "Everyone ready?"
Slam: "Are you kidding?  I was born ready!"
*everyone laughs except Jade*

Um, that wasn’t a joke.  How is that funny?  The only funny part about this scene is the terrifyingly bad ‘90s clothes they’re all wearing.

After the recital, the dance instructor, Dame Skyla, hears some strange music and follows it.  When the students notice she’s gone, they assume that something is horribly wrong and throw out the dragnet for her. (Did it occur to no one that she could have left for a potty break???  That recital was SO LONG that she was probably holding it in for a while.)  They wander around the school grounds and quickly come across a bizarre garden out back along with an equally bizarre building.  Are you telling me this place has been behind their Academy the entire time and nobody ever noticed?  It’s not even concealed or protected in any way—they just walk right in!  Not to mention the fact that this all takes place on a very conspicuous mountain in the middle of nowhere.  How has Dame Skyla managed to keep this—not to mention her true identity, which we’re getting to—a secret all this time?  And while we’re on the subject, that music that drew Skyla away was obviously loud enough to hear from that distance.  And it’s not like it’s inaudible to anyone else’s ears—the students comment on it later on.  So why didn’t anyone else hear the music and follow it to its source?  This is the worst hide-out ever.

The dancers continue to trespass by going inside where, surprise surprise, they find Dame Skyla, who for some inexplicable reason decides to exposit all about how she is the queen of the… um… Wingdom.  I’m not sure whether to laugh or cringe, but she doesn’t give us time to decide before plunging into an in-depth history of her native land.  Turns out she used to have a husband, the imaginatively named King Skylar.  Ew, this isn’t one of those creepy royal brother-sister keep-it-in-the-family marriages, is it?  Anyway, Skylar had an evil brother, Sky Clone, who wanted to steal the all-powerful Sky Swirl Stone from the royals. (I’m sensing a pattern in naming here… don’t tell me, I’ll figure it out!)  Skylar ended up sacrificing himself to kill Sky Clone, leaving the Stone with his wife.  Sooooo if this is all true and she hasn’t just escaped from the loony bin, what is she doing teaching dance here on Earth when she should be protecting her Wingdom?  What exactly is the plan here?

Skyla: "But now Sky Clone has returned."
Breeze: "He's back?"

What else does ‘return’ mean, you idiot?  Though mostly I included this screencap for the hilarious look on his face.

So yeah, Sky Clone somehow survived after all, and because the students are such great… dancers… Skyla decides to make them the defenders of her Wingdom.  No, seriously, that’s the only reason she gives for letting them in on her secret.  If dancing is the only qualification to become a superhero to her, the least she could have done was recruit Michael Jackson or somebody who could actually do some good.  But hey, I’m no queen, so what do I know.  Skyla gives them each a Dumbo feather to make them fly as well as an annoying catchphrase (“If it is to be, it’s up to me!”) and the transformation from dancers to Sky Dancers is complete.

Upon their arrival at the Wingdom, they discover Skyla’s palace has been trashed by Sky Clone’s trio of incredibly irritating Imps, who are so intimidated by the fearsome Sky Dancers that they just sorta retreat to Sky Clone.  Who has apparently been through Extreme Makeover: Supervillain Edition.

 He’s none too happy about it, either, but he’s mostly annoyed because he no longer has wings, which means he can’t fly and…

…um…

Meanwhile, Skyla helps her draftees find their “special powers.”  Slam can move things via telekinesis, Camille can make stuff out of… pink clouds… yeah, that’ll come in handy… Jade can’t do anything yet because she’s too much into science to believe in magic, and the others… are completely ignored for the moment.  Perfect!  No villain will ever be able to penetrate their awesome defensive forces!

There’s no time for more lessons now anyway, as Sky Clone is attacking.  Skyla, being the responsible adult that she is, immediately sends her inexperienced Sky Dancers out to fight him.  Alone.  And, being the gullible chumps that they are, they go right out and encounter Sky Clone’s monster lackeys, known as Horrorcanes. 

Y’know, it’s a little hard to take flying tentacled tomatoes seriously.  Does anyone else have the sudden urge to braid their hair?  Meanwhile, Sky Clone is…

…UM…

Sky Clone is suitably unimpressed by the Sky Dancers and sends a couple of Horrorcanes to do whatever it is that Horrorcanes do to people.  It’s about here that we discover Angelica and Breeze’s powers—the former can stop time, and the latter… wait for it…

"The power over wind, rain and nature is mine!"

Yes!  The Native American guy has nature-based powers!  Were you surprised?  I totally was.  Is there an Emmy Award for originality?  Because this show deserves one.

Jade, after a bit of soul searching, also discovers her special power—she turns invisible! *phew* Man, I know you all were just as concerned as I was that Jade would never discover her special power.  I’m glad her harrowing and detailed personal journey had such a happy conclusion.

The Sky Dancers decide the only way to stop the Horrorcanes is to make them crash into each other.  While Camille does nothing (she’s supposed to be creating some kind of cloud sculpture to help out, but we never see it), the others lure the Horrorcanes into a collision course, which creates so much force that Sky Clone is sent tumbling away.  Day.  Saved.

The next episode, “On Wings of Song”, starts off on a beautiful day in the Wingdom when the Imps show up. The monumentally stupid fairies let them get close enough to steal their harp.  They protest rather half-heartedly (nice line delivery, guys), and the Imps get away.

Meanwhile, at High Hope Dance Academy…

Slam: "'One-two-three, one-two-three.'  If we have to practice this dumb waltz much longer, I'm gonna one-two-three all over somebody's face!"

…What does that even mean?  Y’know what, Slam, you shouldn’t be allowed to talk anymore.  Just keep your trap shut for the rest of the episode.  You folks out there reading this should just be glad you can’t hear the rap that Slam comes up with to further slam (ahar) the waltz.

Their lesson is interrupted by… I guess another musical alarm bell or something, I don’t know.  The Sky Dancers use the same animated sequence from last time to transform and enter the Wingdom.  While this is going on, the Imps have brought the stolen harp to Sky Clone.  As it turns out, the harp is special because it grants the Skyridians the power of flight.  I have to admit I’m not entirely clear on what a Skyridian is supposed to be.  My best guess is that the Wingdom is divided into various cities or counties and each one is given a different name, but they never actually tell us any of this, so your guess is as good as mine.  But no matter—the point is, Sky Clone stole the harp so that everyone will be as pathetically flightless as he…

Okay, that’s it. Dude, why are you so bent on this “if I can’t fly no one can” thing when YOU CAN FLY?!!!  YOU ARE FLYING RIGHT NOW!!  THIS VERY INSTANT!  FLYING!  YOU!  How can you want revenge for not being able to fly when you’ve been spending the past two episodes doing nothing but?!  Do you even know what flying means?  It’s that thing you do when you’re up in the air without being attached to wires or the Canadian end of a fastball special.  This isn’t a difficult concept, but it does kind of ruin the premise of your ENTIRE SHOW when you fail to grasp it.

“That’s not flying!  That’s falling with style!”

The Sky Dancers and Skyla arrive to find a bunch of very sad Skyridians.  They figure out the Imps are behind this and decide to follow them to Sky Clone’s headquarters, the Netherworld.  Skyla won’t come with them because she’s afraid of being captured, but she sends her dogs for protection!  Dogs and dancers.  The Wingdom must be the safest place in the multiverse. 

They head over to the Netherworld and break their way in, only to end up in a maze.  Angelica wants to go right, but Camille “trusts her feelings” to go left.  Was there supposed to be some kind of moral about trusting your feelings that got dumped by the wayside during a rewrite?  Because that’s a really dumb thing to say in a situation like this.  Actually, that’s kind of a dumb thing to say in any situation.

Anyway, the Sky Dancers fight over it and split up (because that always worked out well for Scooby-Doo and the gang).  Angelica is the first to get in trouble, falling through a trap door.  Then Jade and Breeze get separated, and Jade finds the harp in what she calls the “den of nightmares”.  Um, is that its actual name or did you make it up?  Because how do you know that?  Same thing with the harp—the moment Jade spots it, she declares “The Harp of Peace!” even though the stupid thing was never given a name before now.  (Fun fact: the VHS case calls it the Harp of Flight.) I’m guessing their target audience was psychics.

Jade attempts to steal the harp back but ends up captured.  Sky Clone steals her fancy flight feather and makes her play the harp for him. 

Hey, here’s an idea, genius—since you’re so determined to “regain” your flight, and since you have just stolen the one thing that gives the Sky Dancers the ability to fly, WHY DON’T YOU USE IT ON YOURSELF????  And since when is Jade an expert harpist?  The least they could have done was dropped an unsubtle hint at the beginning of the episode like every other cartoon.

But hey, the music allows us to follow good ol’ movie cliché #375—follow the heroine’s lovely music to her prison so that she may be found and saved.  After the great escape, the Sky Dancers must do battle with the Horrorcanes yet again.  Thankfully, they’re within earshot of the Skyridians by this point, so all Jade has to do is play the harp one more time to restore their flight.  The Skyridians immediately pelt the Horrorcanes with… fruit… and this works.  So, for all the fancy planning and preparation the Sky Dancers did in the pilot to defeat the Horrorcanes, all they ever needed to defeat them was fruit?   What, are they allergic, or do they just not like healthy foods?

The crushing defeat prompts Skyla to declare that the Horrorcanes will never again return to the Wingdom.  I haven’t had the chance to watch the next episode yet, but just judging by the stellar continuity displayed in the first two episodes, I’m willing to bet Horrorcanes will be involved.

 Anyway, the Skyridians have their harp—and, by extension, their flight—back, and Slam shyly asks Jade for help with the waltz.  Is there love in the air?  Well, I don’t know, I don’t remember.  You tell me.  He then does us all a disservice by teaching the Skyridians about hip-hop, break dancing and slang.  Dangit, didn’t I tell you you’re not allowed to talk anymore?!!

 This is… yeah, it’s not good.  These people had no budget whatsoever, which wouldn’t have been so bad if they had the creativity to make up the difference, but they didn’t.  The one and only motivation behind this series was easy profit, and it shows.  The animation is an absolute joke: their mouths don’t even match up with what they say half the time (that’s when their mouths move at all), and shots are often repeated to pad it out/because their drawing hand got tired.  The characters are bland and one-dimensional when they’re not busy being stupid.  The voice acting is terrible; I get the feeling that the only people actually trying are whoever voiced Skyla and maybe Sky Clone, but he’s so ridiculously over the top—this is like Doctor Doom from The Super Hero Squad Show level of hamminess right here—that it’s hard to tell if he was trying at it or just gave up on getting anything good out of the role.  The writing is some of the worst I have ever seen, riddled with plot holes big enough to accommodate the U.S.S. Enterprise.  All of them.

I guess it’s good enough to keep kids entertained—or at least, it was good enough to keep me entertained, but I liked Pocahontas II so obviously I was pretty easy to please—but for us grown-up kids, its charm has sadly worn off.  The nostalgia glasses make it difficult to outright hate it, but I really wasn’t enjoying myself all that much when watching it.  If you really want to head down Sky Dancer Nostalgia Lane, I recommend tracking down the old toys and playing with those for a while.  Pulling a string and giggling when the doll crash-lands in a bush is much less insulting to your intelligence than this show.

 Next Time: My leader, Patriot, is a JUNKIE!

Images from Sky Dancers, Hasbro.com, Star Trek: The Motion Picture, Star Trek: Enterprise, Star Trek (1966), Star Trek: The Undiscovered Country, Star Trek: Generations, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Star Trek: First Contact, Star Trek Online, Star Trek (2009)

And the quote about falling with style is from Toy Story, of course :) Also, I would like to apologize if I messed up any of the various Star Trek credits.  All I did was steal pictures from Wikipedia, so I’m not entirely sure I’m giving credit to the right shows and films.  If anyone cares to correct me, I’d be happy to fix it.