Thor and the Warriors Four #1-#2

 

I hear a lot of complaints about how comics nowadays are just too dark and gritty.  Most of those complaints come from me.  So imagine my happy surprise when I discovered this delightful four-part story from 2010 in which no one gets maimed or axed, our heroes hardly angst at all, and even the villains are all snuggly-wuggly!

(Also, that first cover is a liar.  Thor doesn’t even show up until Issue Two.  I don’t know why this surprises me.)

I’d like to declare right here and now that I know next to nothing about the Power Pack, and my only knowledge of Thor comes from cartoons I’ve seen and a few issues of Thor: The Mighty Avenger, so bear with me.  I’d also like to declare that the first three pages of this comic make that completely irrelevant.  It’s quite admirable, really—one page explaining who Thor is, and a two-page spread explaining the origin, powers, and identities of the Power Pack, a group of four siblings granted superpowers by a dying alien.  It’s marvelously brief and effective. (Dohoho, I said marvel-ous.)

The first issue begins with the Power Pack in their civilian identities—Alex, Julie, Jack, and Katie—waiting in the hallway of a hospital.  We find out why soon enough: their grandmother is dying of (get this) NATURAL CAUSES.  I didn’t know such a thing still existed in the Marvel Universe.  Out of all the kids, Julie seems to take the news the hardest and clams up until a friendly nurse gives her a book to read to take her mind of things.

 

I’m 95% sure the nurse’s name is significant, but I can’t put my finger on what... ah well.

Surprisingly, a book on Norse mythology isn’t quite enough to console the kids over Granny’s looming demise, and they retreat to the hospital rooftop to vent and talk things out.  It’s here that Julie finally takes a look at that book and realizes that it contains the story of the Golden Apples of Idunn, which are what keep the Norse gods young and healthy.  Idea time!  Why don’t they ask Thor for a golden apple to save their grandmother?!

 

Good thing she wasn’t reading Pet Sematary.

Despite Alex’s skepticism concerning this plan, the moment a Thor-like lightning bolt strikes across town, the kids follow it.  Unfortunately for them, the lightning did not come from Mjolnir but rather from… eh… these things.

 

Apparently these are the Pet Avengers.  …Yeah, I kind of feel like a hypocrite for thinking this is too dumb for words, especially since, if nothing else, the Pet Avengers are extremely light-hearted and proof that not all comics take themselves deathly seriously.  But for me, this is going a little too far into crazy DC Silver Age territory.  Look, Marvel, I know you and DC like to swipe ideas from each other to the point where I’m not sure how you both haven’t been sued into oblivion, but do you really think the Legion of Super Pets was the best thing to steal?  Surely there is a happy medium to be achieved here?  But hey, they only appear in this one issue, so I’m not gonna complain.  At least not any more than I already have.

So just what are… sigh… the Pet Avengers doing ‘round these parts?  They’re fighting off a pack of evil Asgardian wolves called Wargs.  With the Power Pack’s assistance, the Wargs are defeated, and the Pet Avengers are so grateful for their help that they agree to do anything they can to save Granny.  ‘Anything’ turns out to mean helping them get to Asgard where, hopefully, they will find Thor who, hopefully, will give them a Golden Apple.

Jack is suspicious about how convenient their well-timed meeting with the Pet Avengers seems, and rightly so.  He is also skeptical that mythological places like Asgard could really exist but his siblings tell him off… and rightly so.  Dude, you got superpowers from a dying space donkey with an Abin Sur complex.  And even if you were just a regular kid, you live in a world inhabited by speedsters, various aliens, and nigh-immortal Canadians with claws growing out of their knuckles.  I think you’ve lost the right to be skeptical about the existence of anything, whether it be magical Norse realms or the Easter Bunny.

Issue Two begins when Thor (finally decided to show up in your own comic, eh, Blondie?) and his alien buddy Beta Ray Bill decide to translate some of the lyrics from Gloria Gayner’s I Will Survive into Asgard-speak.  Because even a Norse god is not immune to the awesome that is disco.

 

So stop me if you’ve heard this one.  Two superheroes walk into a bar and request their usual table.  Barkeep says sorry, guys, but your table’s been taken.  The superheroes turn around and there’s four seemingly random kids sitting at their table drinking root beer!

…Okay, that wasn’t all that funny, but that’s what happens.  (They have root beer in Asgard?  Maybe they import it...)  We then cut to a flashback where we find out just how the Power Pack got to Asgard in the first place.  They rode the Wargs from last issue (who subsequently just sort of disappear from the story) onto Bifrost, the rainbow bridge that connects Asgard to Midgard.  While Jack is trying to explain the presence of the bridge with the power of SCIENCE, an old man with a cart randomly shows up.  His name is Koil.  Those of you who are good with anagrams probably know where this is going, but don’t spoil it for everyone else.

Koil tells them that humans aren’t allowed in Asgard.  But don’t despair!  He JUST HAPPENS to be on his way to get the Golden Apples for his sick wife and JUST HAPPENS to have a bunch of disguises in his cart for the Power Pack to wear.  Koil isn’t allowed into Asgard either for some reason, so it’s up to the Power Pack to disguise themselves and get the Apples for both Granny and Mrs. Koil.

And they’re not in Asgard for more than two seconds before this happens.

 

I believe the correct term is little people thank you very much.

They save the damsel, which leads to a series of other heroic good deeds accomplished by our half-pint heroes.  The grateful Asgardians dub the quartet “the Warriors Four,” so you can stop wondering what’s up with the title.  And that’s how they ended up in the Asgardian bar (somehow…), where Katie becomes immediately obsessed with Beta Ray Bill.

Kids say the darnedest things.

As a distraction, Thor tells a story about him and his brother Loki, who—

 

*mwah* Good night, everybody!

They all exchange stories for a while until Katie finally spills the beans about poor old Granny and asks for a Golden Apple to take back to Earth.  Thor’s (albeit gentle) refusal is interrupted when Hrymer, one of the villains from Thor’s story, shows up for vengeance.  It takes about a page for the Power Pack to take him down.  If you’re thinking that’s suspicious, hold that thought.

Now that the Power Pack has saved his holy heinie from Hrymer, Thor realizes that he’s indebted to them and agrees to ask Odin for permission to give them a Golden Apple.  They leave to do so, at which point we finally get an explanation for why everything seems to be falling into place so easily for Jack and company.

 

Dun dun DUNNNNN!!!

Oh yeah, and Enchantress is there too, and she hits them all with a de-aging spell.

 
Why are the Power Pack immune?  I’m assuming it’s because they’re already kids or something, but there’s not really much in the way of explanations on that front.  Still, that doesn’t change the fact that the Power siblings are now stuck with diaper duty.  Why, even Beta Ray Bill has… um…

 

...

I’m sorry, please give me a minute to compose myself.  I don’t want to go all fangirl on you guys… I mean you guys deserve a thoughtful, intelligent review, not senseless squealing and prancing around the room… it’s not like there’s a cavity-inducingly adorable, ready-to-be-plushie’d Bitty Ray Bill staring me in the face, I can totally handle this...

 

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

And there you have the first fifty percent of Thor and the Warriors Four.

Oh, yeah, and each issue also has a back-up story by Colleen Coover wherein the Power Pack is babysat by Hercules, who I’m pretty sure was the model for Brave and the Bold’s Aquaman.

“I shall call this… ‘The Time that Hercules Completed Twelve Labors to Atone for Murdering his Wife and Children in a Goddess-Induced Fit of Madness!’”

I’m not going to review the Herc shorts, but rest assured that they fit right in with the spirit of fun and excitement set by the main story.  Hmmm, fun and excitement... Am I really reading a Modern Age comic book, or am I hallucinating?  Are we sure this is an actual comic book?  How am I supposed to enjoy a so-called “comic book” when there aren’t gratuitous casualties on every other page?  Is this the real life?  Is this just fantasy?  What crazy Twilight Zone world is this?!!

Next Time: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Images from Thor and the Warriors Four #1 and Thor and the Warriors Four #2