Identity Crisis #7

So far, we have seen:

Jack Drake and Captain Boomerang prove that stupidity is both contagious and fatal.

Green Arrow never shutting up.

Flash discover that the League mind-wiped Batman.

Because they are terrible, terrible people.

Green Arrow (SHUT UP FOR ONCE) extol the infallible awesomeness that is Teh Mask.^TM

Everyone simultaneously suspect Ray of being the serial killer for no good reason.

Also, before we begin, I’d just like to post a correction about a point I made last time.  I spent some time complaining about Green Arrow’s “the mask solves everything” (il)logic, and one of the arguments I made was that Ray Palmer’s mask didn’t protect Jean Loring from being attacked.  I actually did some research and discovered that Ray’s identity was public by this point, and much like with Ralph Dibny, we never get a good counterargument for why he’d be willing to risk his loved ones’ lives that way.  I still stand by the argument in general, however, because Robin and Superman’s identities are not public and their relatives were still threatened.

Okay now. *cracks knuckles* Let’s finish this. 

Issue Seven—and Issue Last, thank H’ronmeer—begins where we left off last time: with Ray, whom the League suspects of being the killer because they are small-minded idiots, alone with Jean, who was attacked by the killer once before and seems in imminent danger of being attacked again.

Jean asks if they ever found out who sent the note and the gun to Jack Drake.  The only problem is that the League kept the note a secret, so Jean shouldn’t have known about it.  Ray picks up on this and seemingly teleports across the room to turn the lights back on.

 

(Yes, I know he got up and walked, but with the way the page is set up, the fact that he goes from a close up to a middling shot always throws me.  Hey, I need something to amuse me in this mess.)

Meanwhile, Batman inexplicably says this:

What the—?!  You just said it was Ray!  You were so convinced for no reason!  What changed your mind?!  Are you telepathically linked to anyone who would dare to solve a mystery before you?  You aren’t in a position to know anything!
 

Ray, however, is definitely in a position to know something and drills Jean until she finally confesses that she attempted to scare Sue by knocking her out, which would in turn get Ray to come running back to Jean to protect and love her again.  And no, how Sue was expected to know that her “fainting spell” was really a supervillain attack is never explained.  Jean’s entire plan appears to be “attack Sue = hugs for everybody.”  In any event, Jean accidentally increased her atomic weight too much, causing Sue’s death, and Jean then destroyed the apartment with the flamethrower she just happened to have on her to cover up any evidence she may have left behind.  Then she faked the attack on herself, sent the notes to Lois and Jack, hired Boomerang to take out Jack, and sent Jack the gun to “protect” himself with.

That’s right, folks.  The Justice League has defeated mind-controlling starfish from space, megalomaniacal businessmen with unlimited resources, and demons straight out of hell bent on world domination, but one crazy person in a trench coat is too much for them to handle.  I guess lawyers really are the world’s greatest supervillains.
 

When Ray discovers his ex ex’s guilt, he narrates his horror in such a way that every twelve-year-old whose parents were stupid enough to let them read this garbage bursts into giggles:

 

Okay, I know phrases like “my stomach dropped” and stuff are overused and cliché, but this is not an acceptable substitute.  This is why you’re not a writer, Ray.  And that “holy cow did I really just spend seventy-six straight hours playing Pong” look on your face is why you’re not an actor.

And this is why the whole public vs. secret identities debate really doesn’t make a difference, at least in terms of Identity Crisis.  The reason Jean knew everyone’s personal info was because she was “one of them,” so to speak.  She was close friends with everyone in the League, so they willingly told her who they really were, whether or not the rest of the world knew their identities.  Unless Ollie was talking about keeping their superheroics a secret even from close relatives, which really hasn’t been done since the Silver Age as far as I can tell, the precious mask that he wouldn’t shut up about isn’t the ironclad security measure he’d like to think it is.

Even assuming that not everyone’s relatives are completely insane, the relatives of public heroes could still be kidnapped and tortured for that sort of information, or they could be possessed, the victims of a body swap, etc.  There are dozens of ways for the villains to get at that information, mask or no mask.  (And that’s another reason public identities really are stupid—not only are you risking your own relatives’ necks should someone decide to wreak vengeance on you, you’re also risking the necks of any superheroes who told your relatives their identities, since that info could easily be stolen in some way or another.)
 

I’m also not convinced Jean would know Robin’s real identity, since Batman isn’t generally so forthcoming with his personal info, but then again, how many people were able to figure out Nightwing’s identity in the course of that Blockbuster story arc that was published not long before Identity Crisis?  I’m beginning to think it’s an open secret at this point.

Ray sits there for a couple of pages trying to get his internal organs out of his manly bits and realizing that he now knows the answer to Batman’s repeated question of “Who benefits?”
 

 

Yeah, I really don’t buy this “who benefits?” argument.  I know this was before The Dark Knight came out and everybody and their superpowered dog was quoting Alfred’s “some men just want to watch the world burn” spiel, but come on.  Batman has fought the Joker how many times by this point?  He should know there are a lot of nutjobs out there who don’t think as methodically as he does.  Sometimes there is no motive.  Sometimes the motive is really flipping stupid like Jean’s is here.  I’m not saying that “who benefits?” shouldn’t be considered at all, but the answer to that question isn’t necessarily going to be the smoking gun, if indeed there is a smoking gun.  (Ahaha, I punned!)

Incidentally #1: Why did Jean have to attack Sue at all?  She ended up faking an attack on herself eventually anyway, so if she really felt that just talking to Ray was too much trouble, why didn’t she fake an attack on herself in the first place?

Incidentally #2: Gotta love Ray’s righteous indignation about Jean doing horrible things to their friends when he’s one of the geniuses who let Zatanna mind-wipe Batman.

Incidentally #3: Ray, where are your canines?
 

Jean is too busy being loony to answer any of those questions, however, and she double dog dares Ray to throw her in jail.  Ray one-ups her by sticking her in Arkham Asylum.  Dang.  Getting people committed to Arkham is as easy as breaking out of it—you just walk up to the door, claim someone is evil, and boom!  Done!  I wonder what other excuses have been used to get people committed.

“This dude was about to rob me.  Even though he doesn’t have a gun.  Or a knife.  But the way he was wielding that soda pop was really suspicious, man!”

“She recorded over the Super Bowl with her stupid soaps!”

“He wrote a terrible comic book where all the heroes act like villains and everybody involved has the combined IQ of a dead sea sponge!  Throw away the key, fellas!”

After the deed is done, a despondent Ray Palmer shrinks down until he is invisible to the naked eye and, if Countdown is to be believed, disappears for quite some time.  Because if I hadn’t given you enough reasons to hate this comic, it also contributes heavily to the epically appalling yet oddly entertaining Countdown.  Not helping is the sound effect Ray makes as he vanishes:

 

I don't know why, but the “pip” always makes me laugh.

The series ends, unsurprisingly, with more montage, except here it makes sense because it’s the end, so of course we’re going to want to check in with everyone to see if the story has affected them at all.  Clark hangs out with his mom in a corn field.  Nightwing tries to contact Robin, who’s too upset to talk.  Firehawk quits the hero biz.  Batman is seen placing flowers on his parents’ graves.

 

“But not Firestorm.  We never liked him.”

And of course, Flash and Green Arrow have a chat.  Flash still has issues with the whole mind-wiping-your-friend thing, so at least I can still look up to the Flash as a real hero (at least until Countdown, but that’s another review).  I’ve included the full page here so you can get the full scope of the idiocy about to go down.

 

“The League always endures,” huh?  That’s all you care about?  As long as your superpowered country club stays in business, you can and will brain rape anyone who gets in your way?  Even if that person is supposed to be not just your friend, but also one of the people who built up the League and made it so important in the first place?  In that case, I wish the League had self-destructed years ago because this isn’t about the League, you stupid shit.  This is about you being so concerned with preserving the League as a symbol of integrity and honesty that you’re willing to throw those very principles—to say nothing of your friends—under the bus.  And now that’s all you are: a symbol, hollow and empty with no morality to back up the fancy talk.  Flash seems to realize this too, as the montage ends with him morosely sitting at the meeting table as the rest of the League obliviously goes about its business, which is very close to what the readers are doing at this point as well.  We, along with Flash, have just realized that our heroes, the people we have grown up admiring and emulating, value image over substance. 

And no, I don’t care about Green Arrow’s tone-deaf “we didn’t ruin anything and even if we did the show must go on” spiel.  Yes, Meltzer, you did ruin it.  You ruined the Justice League by taking moral, competent heroes who will defend and uphold their values to the death and turning them into reputation-obsessed filth.  You ruined the lives of several characters for no reason beyond disgusting, gratuitous drama.  You even managed to ruin the villains, turning previously lovable bad guys into the lowest humanity has to offer.  So stop coming up with ridiculous excuses for the despicable liars that you and you alone dare to call heroes.

The comic ends with an epilogue starring Ralph Dibny (who was he again?) going about his get-ready-for-bed ritual while talking out loud to his dead wife.  I… guess that’s sweet?  I don’t know, I haven’t lost a close relative recently, so if having pretend conversations with Sue helps him through it, then who am I to judge?

 

So there you have it, nerds and nerdlings.  A complete breakdown of Identity Crisis.  Conclusions?

Short version: It sucks, don’t buy it.

Long version: This comic was published in 2004 and was hailed at the time as a brilliant milestone of comicdom.  The cover of the trade edition even has promotional blurbs from mainstream news organizations like The New York Times and the Washington Post.  Of course, so does the first volume of the Countdown trades.  The point is that just because somebody—or even lots of somebodies—praises the thing doesn’t mean it’s worth the money.  Having read Identity Crisis multiple times over the course of several years, I’ve had plenty of time to process this story and consider its value.  I have come to the decision that it falls disastrously short at nearly every level.

The story as a whole is very scattered.  It’s like it wanted to explore, through a murder mystery, the limits of how far a hero should go, but it can’t seem to strike the right balance.  There’s too much and too little going on at the same time, with ultimately pointless subplots taking up space where the main story should go. 

For instance, Meltzer himself admits in the commentary at the end of the trade edition that Captain Boomerang and Son were not originally intended to take up this much panel time—panel time that could have been devoted to more of Ralph Dibny’s role in the investigation, more of Batman’s detective work, and/or more counterarguments to Green Arrow’s philosophy on secret identities.  Stuff that wouldn’t just contribute to the story but would improve it and help glue it together better.
 

Pointless deaths also clutter the narratives.  Firestorm and Jack Drake’s deaths are entirely gratuitous.  Think about it.  If they survived, would the story have changed at all?  What did their deaths contribute to the plot?  Heck, once you remember there’s five Green Lanterns running around America at any given time, the original Captain Boomerang’s death seems a little redundant too.  His son could have become a villain with his dad alive just as well as he could dead.  At this point, I think they were just trying to be “shocking” and “edgy” by padding the body count.

We already know my biggest problem with this comic is the rape scene and how it was so blatantly shoehorned in.  But my second biggest problem is the fact that Jean Loring got away with this for as long as she did.  For crying out loud, THERE IS EVIDENCE ALL OVER THE PLACE.  Heck, even the Atom partially admits this in Issue Seven:

 

One: If you know why she became an ex, why did you get back together?

 

Two: You have the power to go microscopic yourself.  Why did no one think to have you do so during the big crime scene investigation?

Three: THAT’S NOT EVEN TRUE.

Unless, of course, those skin cells and hair strands Jean was shedding all over the floor after she reverted to normal size just got up and ran away in the four hours it took for Ray to show up, shrink down, and examine every carpet fiber.  And wouldn’t some blood or brain matter remain on Jean’s clothes or shoes after she grew back to normal size?  Wouldn’t that be in the carpet too?  What about the flamethrower she uses to start the fire?  How did she dispose of it so that not one member of the Justice League could find it or even suspect its existence?  Shouldn’t Animal Man, of all people, be able to pick up a scrap of Jean’s smell, even though the apartment was partially burned?  How on Earth did Jean leave the apartment after the murder?  She couldn’t have jumped back through the phone line—there was no one on the phone!  There should have been evidence of her exit—which, no surprise, is never explained!  And why did no one suspect that the phone line could have been the point of entry?  Ray in particular should have thought of it since he does it all the time, including the First Issue of this very comic!

 

And finally, Ray clearly remembered about all the shrink-dink suits and weaponry he left with Jean, so why didn’t he bother to make sure nothing had gone missing or been damaged in a way that would indicate they had recently been used?  He wouldn’t even have to suspect Jean to justify this: in Flash… I wanna say #120... we see that ex-Rogue the Trickster has been hoarding all of the Rogues’ old equipment and such.  It’s also revealed that a formerly deceased villain known as the Top broke into Trickster’s stash and stole his stuff back in an attempt to become president.  Yeah, it’s a long story.

 

The Top was defeated thanks to the combined efforts of Flash and the Pied Piper, but you’d think this would have led to greater security measures, i.e. no one is allowed to stash dangerous stuff in unsecured trunks in the basements of random family members.  But hey, if it were up to me, the above scene would have ended with Piper and Trickster declaring their undying love for each other and pledging to stay away from trains, so clearly DC and I are operating on entirely different wavelengths and mine is far superior.

I also have a problem with the sexism in this story.  I’ve already covered the rape and that little incident with the work boots, but the problem persists throughout in a more subtle, pervasive way.  And here’s where we find out how good your memory is.  Remember that thing I asked you to remember from my review of Issues Three and Four?

 

My point exactly.  Why is it that only the male heroes’ girlfriends receive concern and protection?  Even after Jack Drake gets boomeranged, making it abundantly clear that the mysterious assassin isn’t just targeting girlfriends and wives, why does Superman stay home at night to protect Lois while doing nothing to protect his elderly parents?  Why doesn’t Ralph show concern for Sue’s uncle, who helped carry the casket at the funeral?  Why doesn’t Firehawk go home to check on her parents?  I understand that the stereotypical superhero image involves a girlfriend/damsel-in-distress, but Tim’s dad is dead.  Wake up, you morons.

Now granted, Jack’s death was mostly his and Tim’s own fault, but why aren’t the heroes panicking about their other relatives now?  Or does no one in this universe give a fig about loved ones they aren’t sleeping with?

And that opens a whole other box of questions: why don’t any of the female heroes worry about their significant others?  We see Ollie implying that Dinah could be next on the mysterious assassin’s hit list back in Issue Two, but Dinah never returns the favor to worry about Ollie.  And really, if you were going to try to kill a hero’s loved one, who would you go after—the lady with the sonic scream and proficiency in a dozen different martial arts, or the guy who thought boxing glove arrows were a good idea?  Unless, of course, you’re a sexist twit and believe that only women can be victims… and unfortunately, judging by Ralph’s “not to be sexist” statement and Superman’s logic with the work boots, the League appears to have more than filled its quota of sexist twits.

I’m not saying that Meltzer or anyone else at DC did this intentionally.  (Except for the rape—that was a conscious decision I doubt I’ll ever forgive them for.)  It probably didn’t even occur to them that this was going on.  Heck, if they hadn’t been so determined to waste the entire second issue on an ultimately pointless flashback, maybe they would have had time to address these problems.  Maybe.  Very maybe. Yes, I am wearing a Blue Lantern ring, why do you ask?

In other words, the only real mystery in Identity Crisis is how in the name of Jack Kirby it became so popular with so many.  The plot gets bogged down by side stories that go nowhere and range from decent to disgusting; the characters are stupid and, in far too many cases, reprehensible; the art is mediocre at best; the story brings up questions that it can’t or doesn’t want to fully address; and the continuity is outright appalling.  It isn’t a total wash—as I said, Issue One is the best of the lot, with a gorgeously done introduction to Ralph and Sue (though this unfortunately comes very close to being labeled under ‘side stories that go nowhere,’ since Ralph vanishes from the story less than halfway through), and the funeral scene is nothing short of tragic perfection.  Still, this isn’t nearly enough to compensate for its many, many shortcomings.

On a purely selfish level, I blame Identity Crisis for ruining perfectly good characters like the Dibnys, Dr. Light and Captain Boomerang.  

Alright, so “ruined” might be a bit strong as far as the Dibnys are concerned.  I still like them—in fact, I probably wouldn’t like them as well as I do had Identity Crisis not introduced me to them—but just look at this page from I Can’t Believe It’s Not the Justice League #1. 
 

May I remind you that Sue was pregnant at the time of her death?  Hey, if I can’t enjoy this scene without cringing and cursing Meltzer, then neither can you.

With Light, any time I see him, I want to kick him, Meltzer, and every DC editor I can find in the shins.  I have so many questions now.  Has he always been a rapist?  Or did he only do it that once?  It really gets in the way of enjoying his other appearances back in the good old days when he didn’t sexually assault people for the lulz.  Remember that panel I showed from New Teen Titans #7 in my review of Identity Crisis #2?

 

Admit it: the minute he calls Starfire “my golden lovely,” all you’re thinking is “OMG HE’S GONNA RAPE HER AHHHH.”  The only thing that allows me to still enjoy his appearances somewhat is the fact that I got to know him through the Teen Titans cartoon well before that unfortunate day I ordered Identity Crisis off Amazon.

I had no such luck with Captain Boomerang.  This was my first real exposure to the character, which is something I’ll always regret.  I have since learned more about Boomerang via fan works, other comics, and cartoons, and he seems like a really fun, interesting villain with funny hair.  But because I was introduced to him via Identity Crisis, my default mental image of the guy isn’t something like this…

 

…but this.

 

Thanks a lot, DC.

One final note, because I am a bitter little so-and-so, I’d like to point out that if Brad Meltzer was really serious about writing a “love letter to these characters”, he should have written DC: The New Frontier.  I already discussed that back in August, so I won’t waste your time with lots of details here, but suffice to say that it was much more fun, much more respectful, and much more intelligently written than this rubbish pile.   So thank you, Darwyn Cooke, for treating the age-old characters I know and love with respect, dignity, and affection.  Kinda sad that I have to thank a writer for doing what should be common sense, but there you go.  As for Meltzer, Morales, and everyone else responsible for this bile, I think we all know where you can shove it.

Next Time: The Power Pack needs an impossible cure for a dying elderly loved one, but they don’t even think of making a deal with Mephisto?  Pfeh.  Kids.  You have SO much to learn.

Images from Identity Crisis #7, Flash #120 (???), Identity Crisis #3, I Can’t Believe It’s Not the Justice League #1, The New Teen Titans #7 and Identity Crisis #5

Alas, I have no idea where the old school scan of Captain Boomerang came from.  I just found it on tumblr and haven’t stopped laughing at it since.  If anyone knows the issue number, please speak up.