Iron Man #313

 

I mentioned in an earlier post that I was planning on reviewing a Batman comic for Christmas this year.  Unfortunately, the comic I had in mind wasn’t quite as holiday-themed as I thought, so you get Iron Man instead.  Whatever, they’re both emotionally stunted playboys with dead parents and too much time on their hands.  I’m sure nobody’ll notice the difference.

Our story begins on New Years’ Eve, and everyone in New York is ringing in the New Year with their loved ones and booze but mostly booze.

 

I gotta say, those people don’t look particularly comfortable.  The man looks really stiff, and the lady is probably supposed to be sprawled out there, but it looks like her back isn’t even touching the couch, so I don’t see how that’s supposed to be comfortable.  But it’s not their fault they look like that.  It’s just because the artwork is awful awful awful.

Abominable

Woeful
Frightful
Ugly
Loathsome

In case you couldn’t tell, Tony Stark is spending his holiday in an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, at which Tony tells the little group all about his alcohol problems.  This, as you might imagine, will take a while.  You might want to get comfortable, maybe grab yourself a drink… oh.

So how did Tony acquire a taste for alcohol anyway?  From his father, of course.  Thanks, Howard.

Hmm.  Young child introduced to addictive substance by a man who clearly won’t be winning Father of the Year anytime soon.  Why does that sound familiar…?

 
Now that I think about it, this actually summarizes the rest of the comic pretty well.  Does that mean my job is done?  No?  Okay, fine, back to work.

Also, I have no idea if this is a coincidence or not.  Like it says in the clipping, that interview was done in the late eighties, and this comic was published in 1994, so it’s entirely possible someone at Marvel read the book and decided to retcon it into Tony’s back story (in which case, we should get that person tested for the X-gene, because I’m pretty sure they can see the future).  Or maybe it’s just a coincidence.  I’m not sure which option is weirder.

Anyway, as Tony gets older, he starts finding more and more excuses to drink.  This culminates in the famous Demon in a Bottle storyline, which I have already reviewed for your reading pleasure.  If you will recall, that arc ended in Tony getting sober with the help of then-girlfriend Bethany Cabe, who really should have appeared in the movies by now because she is amazing.

 

Okay, I’m like 99% sure Tony was looking AT Beth and not the reader when he said that in the original comic, but I’m not going to go check because the art was prettier then and I’m afraid I won’t want to come back to this mess if I remind myself how much better John Romita Jr. and Bob Layton were at their jobs than this guy.

So he gets sober, but it all goes downhill a few months later when he relapses in spectacular fashion.

 

THAT IS NOT WHO I’M TALKING ABOUT.

 

Thank you.

Tony ends his tale with his most recent tumble off the wagon: a week earlier, an AI named Vor/tex took over Tony’s body and decided to indulge his body’s physical craving for alcohol because why not?  However, Tony’s memories were so horrifyingly painful that Vor/tex ended up deleting himself (that’s how you know your life sucks—when even an AI would rather commit suicide than live it).  Tony downloaded himself back into his own body, not realizing it was intoxicated until it was too late.  Got any disturbingly appropriate magazine snippets for that?

That’s what I thought.

Obviously, Tony doesn’t give quite that much detail to the AA people (“The circumstances… aren’t important,” he says instead), but he did tell his best bud Jim Rhodes, who is really very understanding about the whole thing, even though drunk!Tony gave him an earful when he tried to call him in issue 309.

 

Eheh.  Tony, you know I love you to bits, but you are literally the last person in the entirety of the Marvel universe who should be criticizing someone for starting a civil war.  (Also, is that phone made of paper?  Even today we don’t have phones that skinny.)

After Rhodey leaves, Tony calls his long-time secretary, Mrs. Arbogast, into his office to apologize for having to ask for her help the other day (Vor/tex left the half-full bottle of booze in Tony’s office, and Tony nearly drank from it before asking Mrs. Arbogast to pour it out for him instead).  Mrs. Arbogast ain’t having none of that.

 
Another character who should have been in the movies.  Two second cameos don’t count.

Back at AA, Tony finishes his story to lots of applause and then goes home to watch some movies—specifically, movies starring his friend Simon Williams, a.k.a. Wonder Man, who was dead at the time.  Again.  (Don’t worry, he gets better.  Again.)  They’re all terrible B-movies, the kind of stuff the Marvel universe’s equivalent of MST3K would review, and the comic even shows Tony watching it in an MST3K-style shot.

 
“Better headband, too.”

Our comic ends when Bethany Cabe, who had returned as a platonic supporting character at some point, shows up to celebrate the New Year with Tony and some non-alcoholic beverages like the awesome and compassionate friend she is.

I actually kind of like this issue.  Not much going on in the way of story, but it’s got some nice character moments and does a good job of summarizing all of Tony’s alcohol-related troubles up until that point, so it makes a handy-dandy reference.  What kills it, however, is the artwork, which is eye-bleedingly hideous from start to finish.  (That pretty much describes comic book art from the ‘90s in general, actually.)  Which is a shame, because again, the issue is pretty good, though that may have been because it was mostly flashbacks to some of the best Iron Man comics ever written.  And it’s nice to see a hero admit he has a problem and get some actual help instead of moping in his basement all day, BATMAN.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go rent Pound.

Images from Iron Man #313, People 46.8, People 54.26, and Iron Man #309

 

Gonzo will be back next year with lots more Avengerous Tales, so stay tuned!