For my first trick, I present to you the very first issue of the very first official Teen Titans comic, Teen Titans #1, published in 1966. Eventually, this would become one of DC’s most popular team books, spawning multiple incarnations, two cartoon series, and an animated film. So just how do these marvelous munchkins spend their debut issue? Destroying historical artifacts, propagandizing the Peace Corps, and interacting with racial stereotypes, of course!
So right from the start, you can tell that this comic isn’t going to be exactly good, at least not in the conventional sense of the word. Over the years, Teen Titans comics have gotten the reputation of trying to be too cool by stuffing every sentence with slang that no teenager in his or her right mind would ever utter, even back in the sixties. This claim is an understatement, I can assure you.
And they think too?!! Why I’ve never heard of such a thing!
The story begins in Washington D.C., where we meet our main heroes: Robin, Aqualad, Kid Flash (who’s brunet instead of a redhead for some reason), and Wonder Girl, collectively known as the Teen Titans. The team finds out in short order that they’ve been invited to join the Peace Corps. According to the Peace Corps website, you must be eighteen years or older to join, which I’m pretty sure none of them are at this point, but I guess the Corps couldn’t exactly ask for a driver’s license.
Mr. Nameless Peace Corps Representative explains that they have volunteers in some vaguely defined region of South America who are trying to build a school and a dam for the natives, but they keep running into trouble and have requested the Teen Titans to come help out. The team is understandably surprised by the offer and wants some time to think about it—all except Robin, that is, who immediately declares that they’ll join. (I see the Titans were a dictatorship in their early days.) It’s never quite made clear why the Titans have to join the Peace Corps in order to help the Peace Corps, but I guess it was so that the comic would have an excuse to show how all Peace Corps volunteers must go through an intensive training course before being deployed. Basically, the course amounts to showing the reader how sensitive and good-hearted the Peace Corps is, explaining how volunteers must “meet the natives on their level” by using the native language, respecting local customs and culture, etc. It all seems to boil down to “don’t violate the Prime Directive.” But as we shall see, all of this ends up being completely irrelevant in about half a page.
While this is going on, we cut briefly to the hometowns of each of the Titans, where their mentors are just now discovering that the kids have run away to join the Peace Corps. And how do they find this out? Do their partners send them a letter or give them a call to let them know about their latest assignment? Nope! Batman, Flash, Wonder Woman, and Aquaman all get the news when they happen to glance at the local news outlets. Batman even comments “Robin—he’s in the Peace Corps! That’s why he and his teammates were called to Washington!” Soooo the underage sidekicks of the world’s greatest heroes just went to D.C. and then didn’t bother to keep in touch with their mentors whatsoever. Nobody seems particularly concerned by this, either—actually, they seem pleased that their charges have left to join such a venerable and universally-admired organization without telling anybody. And the award for worst legal guardian goes to… hey, why is there a dude reporting the news on Paradise Island?
Maybe it’s just a very muscular Amazon.
The next panel shows us the South American village of Xochatan, where the Titans will be stationed. Most of the townspeople are offering baskets of food to a being called “El Conquistadore” at an ancient temple. The most Caucasian-looking of the villagers, Juan Valdez, doesn’t buy into that superstitious hooey and tries to convince the others to knock it off.
So let me get this straight. The Peace Corps advocates respecting the native people’s culture and doing things their way, but if they really, really feel like building a dam, they will merrily submerge a centuries-old temple that is probably of great historical, archaeological, and anthropological significance. Not to mention the fact that drowning the temple will put an end to the townspeople’s custom of leaving gifts there for El Conquistadore, which you’d think would violate the Peace Corps’ code of not interfering with native customs. And as the cherry on the sundae, not one person in this comic, including the villagers, ever speaks more than one word of Spanish at a time. Even when they do speak it, it’s not always accurate, seeing as how “conquistadore” isn’t actually a word (it’s “conquistador” for a man). I’m going to guess that the writer didn’t know Spanish, saw the plural “conquistadores”, and just assumed that removing the “s” would make it singular. In conclusion, the Peace Corps people are hypocritical colonialists. Least effective propaganda ever.
Just as Juan is scolding the others for being so gullible, they are attacked by a giant robot conquistador—El Conquistadore himself. Understandably, the villagers flee in a panic, while Juan calls after them “No! Do not be afraid, muchachos!” Look, Juan, I know you’re all modern and skeptical and everything, but when a five-story robot comes marching out of the jungle to squash you like a spider, I don’t think you’ll lose too many cynic points if you run away screaming.
Lucky for Juan and the equally-dumb Peace Corps volunteers who also stick around to get flattened, the Teen Titans choose this exact moment to sky-dive into Xochatan (apparently there are no roads or airports around). Seeing the trouble, the Titans quickly form a plan to stop El Conquistador… e. *sigh* Kid Flash lands on the robot’s helmet and runs around in circles, and somehow this is supposed to “give him something to get confused about!” I don’t know about that robot, but I for one am sure confused. First, it’s a robot. How is running around in circles supposed to do anything to it? The most Kid Flash is going to do is annoy the thing with the sound of his footsteps, which I’m assuming is the point, and unless that somehow messes with the controls, Kid Flash is completely useless here. Not to mention a knucklehead. But hey, at least he’s trying. That’s more than I can say for Aqualad, who just sort of disappears before the fight begins.
El Conquistadore is still standing after that (shocking, I know), so Robin throws a smoke bomb at it. Again, are they trying to screw up the controls? Because otherwise, I don’t think the giant robot is going to care about a little smoke. But I guess it worked, because El Conquistadore staggers away from Juan and the Peace Corps and, despite the team’s best efforts, is about to crash into a nearby cliff face. That’s the end of part one—I’m not sure why they felt it necessary to divide the story into multiple parts, as there are only three pages of advertisements separating parts one and two, but I guess that’s what they did back then. Building up non-existent suspense and all that.
Part two picks up with the Teen Titans being confused, because El Conquistadore disappeared in the smoke from the smoke bomb instead of smashing itself against the cliff. Or, as Kid Flash puts it, “our king-sized playmate’s taken a powder.” KF then hypothesizes that maybe the robot was really an “apparition”… which is plainly impossible, since Kid Flash himself was running on top of the robot five seconds ago. Juan agrees with me that the apparition theory is silly, and one of the Peace Corps volunteers begs the Titans to get to the bottom of things before the Corps’ reputation is destroyed. Yeah, I think the Peace Corps ruined its own reputation when they decided to destroy priceless historical artifacts, buddy.
The Titans (and by Titans I mean Robin—again) decide that it’d be best to take a look at how the dam is coming along. It’s only half finished because they only have one bulldozer to—wait.
Um, why are they using a bulldozer? What happened to not violating the prime directive and meeting “the people on their own level”? It can’t belong to the villagers, because we later see them working on the dam with buckets while the Peace Corps guy operates the bulldozer. In which case, if the only way to get into Xochatan is by sky-diving, just how did they get the bulldozer out here? Did they just tie it to a parachute and hope for the best? And while we’re on the subject, what is the purpose of this dam anyway? Building a school is pretty self-explanatory, but what’s with the dam? Did they need more room to plant crops? Will it help improve their irrigation systems? Or did they just decide a swimming pool would make for nicer scenery than some run-down old temple? I hope the Peace Corps isn’t this moronic in real life.
Moving right along, Wonder Girl’s woman’s intuition suddenly kicks in, and before anybody knows what’s going on, the bulldozer comes speeding down the hill and plows straight into the river, sinking instantly. Aqualad finally gets to be useful by jumping in after it with Wonder Girl’s lasso. He ties the lasso to the bulldozer, and Wonder Girl uses her Amazonian strength to pull it back up to the surface. (To which Peace Corps Man responds with “A chick that strong and that gorgeous I just don’t believe!” For pity’s sake, man, she’s jailbait! Stop drooling, it’s creepy!) Robin examines the machine and discovers that not only is the lever controlling the breaks in the “off” position, it is also red-hot. Apparently, the cliff that El Conquistadore encountered earlier was also warm (not that they bothered to tell us that until now), and the team, sensing a connection, races back to the cliff to check it out. One short investigation later determines that the cliff is, in fact, hollow. Wow. How much work would it take to hollow out a space big enough to fit a robot of that size inside? Not to mention create a door big enough to let it in and out… I don’t even know why I’m bothering to question this at this point. Also, Kid Flash announces to the rest of the team “It’s a robot, gang!” Uh, yes? That was obvious from the moment it showed up? Please tell me you already knew that. On the other hand, assuming they didn’t know would go a long way in explaining some of the earlier stupidity… while making them look even more stupid. Pretty much a no-win situation here, really.
About to be stepped on by El Conquistadore, the Titans act fast, luring the robot into a giant hole in the ground that Kid Flash dug out with his super speed. Then, instead of checking the thing to make sure there are no clues on it or people inside of it, the Titans call in the bulldozer and bury it. Competence at its best!
Robin gives some quick explanation about how both the robot and the bulldozer must have been remote controlled “with some molecular or atomic gadget.” First, how does he know that? Second, I’m gonna have to call bull on that one. Even today, there is no “molecular or atomic gadget” known to man that could possibly do what Robin is claiming it could. We are just now getting “atomic gadgets” to control little teeny-tiny robots, not giants. I know this is a superhero comic and that disbelief must be suspended to some extent but… well, wait until you find out who our culprit is.
Now that El Conquistadore has been conquered, the Teen Titans immediately begin searching the area for clues about where it came from and who built it… oh, wait, no they don’t. They just stand around guarding the dam as the Peace Corps and the villagers finish it up. Uhhh, Titans? You just said yourselves that someone was controlling the robot. Shouldn’t at least one of you… what’s the phrase… FIND AND STOP HIM before he tries to hurt the villagers again? Hello? Anybody? *sigh* Fine, but if you guys get clobbered, don’t come crying to me.
Also, Juan has spontaneously developed a stereotypical French accent. Every time he says “the” it’s spelled like “ze”. He didn’t talk that way for the first two-thirds of the comic, so I’m not sure why the writer decided he should start now.
“What could possibly happen?” indeed, Boy Wonder. Because FINALLY, eighteen pages in, we get to the Beast-God of Xochatan that the title promised us. In fact, we get three of them. (A Christmas Carol, Ancient Inca style. Maybe they’ll teach the Titans that trashing ancient pyramids is a bad thing.) The first spirit to appear has the body of a jaguar and decides that Kid Flash looks yummy. That’s where part two ends. Which, again, is pointless, as part three picks up from exactly the same place just four pages later.
Part Three has Kid Flash running up and down the pyramid, trying and failing to outrun the Beast-God. (Don’t run, KF! He only wants to teach you about the true meaning of cultural sensitivity!) Eventually, everyone else sees what’s going on, and Robin declares “That thing after Kid Flash… the native workers are fleeing in panic!” Again with the implication that the villagers are cowards for being the only people sensible enough to actually run away from the life-threatening situations, whereas sticking around to be lunch makes the white people brave. Yay for casual racism!
Kid Flash’s brush with the Beast-God ends when he loses it in an ancient Indian-built maze. Because apparently the Incas loved their mazes. But the Titans’ Beast-God troubles aren’t over, because next comes a half-man half-eagle. Wonder Girl sees the thing fly out of the pyramid, which makes me wonder why nobody thought to stop flooding the temple when they noticed potentially living beings coming out of it. I know, they’re spirits and so technically can’t be killed, but the Titans don’t know that yet. They couldn’t even figure out El Conquistadore was a robot until halfway through the comic.
Wonder Girl drowns the eagle-spirit just in time for the third spirit, a half-man half-snake hybrid, to appear. It grabs Robin in its coils and attempts to drown him in the newly-created lake that is swallowing up the temple. Aqualad happens to be nearby and a fantastic swimmer to boot (isn’t it convenient how each of the three Beast-Gods corresponds to one of the Titans’ strengths?), and he jumps in after them. His brilliant plan consists of grabbing the snake by the tail and spinning it around really fast until it gets dizzy, lets go of Robin, and drowns. Pretty sure that would make Robin just as dizzy, but somehow, he manages to swim to the surface under his own steam. Maybe Batman trained the vertigo out of him by making him sit in a giant blender for hours a day.
And now, at long last, we find out who the real villain of the story is. Just as Robin and Aqualad get to the surface, a man in conquistador clothing (and he’s dressed like that despite remaining hidden all this time because…?) appears out of the top of the pyramid. With a rifle. He starts shooting at the waterlogged crusaders, and you just have to love the little duck dive they do to escape the gunfire:
“Hey, look! Algae!”
But Wonder Girl comes charging to the rescue, punching him in the face and depositing him on dry land. Juan identifies him as Don Matanzas, a “rich landowner who oppressed” the villagers until they kicked him out of town and, for some inadequately explained reason, assumed he was dead. Matanzas gives the requisite “and I would have gotten away with it, too!” speech, explaining that he was using the temple as his secret lair and that that was where he built El Conquistadore. The Beast-Gods weren’t his doing, though—they were real spirits, released from the temple when “ze flood waters covered the sacred carvings!” (Your French accent is slipping, Don.)
Unless this guy is secretly a scientific genius and the comic forgot to tell us about it, this is why I have such an issue with the whole “molecular or atomic gadget” explanation. For a guy who’s from as low-tech a place as Xochatan and who has supposedly been on the down-low long enough for the villagers to believe he had died, constructing a giant atomic robot to get revenge on the locals (not to mention hollowing out a cliff face to hide it in) seems unnecessarily complicated, especially because he didn’t actually do anything with it. Why didn’t he just make it stomp the village to bits instead of scaring people into giving him bananas and quitting work on the dam? And since we don’t know the Peace Corps’ motivation for building the dam, it’s impossible to know why Matanzas wanted to stop it or if his reasons make any sense. And regardless of motive, if he knew that the Beast-Gods would be released once the sacred carvings were flooded, why would he want to stop the dam-building in the first place? All he had to do was wait until the temple started to flood and then let the Beast-Gods destroy Xochatan and/or the townspeople and boom! Instant revenge, no giant robot required!
But hey, Don Matanzas is defeated, the Beast-Gods have drowned with their temple (except the jaguar, which is presumably still running around the maze somewhere), and the Teen Titans are hailed as heroes for making it all possible.
I kind of have a love-hate relationship with this comic—though love and hate are both much too strong. Make that a like-dislike relationship. The dislike largely comes from the plot, which is nonsensical and makes both the Peace Corps and the Teen Titans look like jerks. Usually, the folks who want to tear down the national treasures are the bad guys, but it’s exactly the opposite with this comic. On the other hand, nobody seemed to care about the temple for the temple’s sake, so… it’s cool? And I guess you can’t bash the silliness of the plot too much—it was the 1960s, when Superman declared himself king of the planet and Green Lantern could make statues of himself come to life. The ethnic stereotyping, while definitely not a good thing, is relatively mild and shouldn’t cause you to do much more than slap yourself on the forehead once or twice. Again, it was the 1960s, and you have to look at it for what it is: a product of its time.
The Teen Titans themselves are pretty bland. Wonder Girl’s main personality trait is “being a girl”, and their dialogue is only distinguishable by the different slang terms they use (Aqualad tends to reference fish a lot: “suffering sunfish!” etc.). Honestly, it’s a wonder this thing ever got off the ground. When you get right down to it, the only things you can do while reading this comic are laugh at the goofiness and be grateful that it led to much better Titans comics down the line. And that’s why I can honestly say that I liked Teen Titans #1.
That, and I’m a sucker for happy endings.
Next Time: Gonzo takes a fond look back at the 1960s, when heroes were heroes, villains were villains, and everything came conveniently labeled with boldly-printed self-descriptive tags.
All images from Teen Titans #1
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