Civil War #5-#6

So far we have seen:

Part One

Part Two

We open with Sue and Johnny practicing their ice dancing moves.  If only.

 

Meanwhile, Happy Hogan welcomes Nighthawk and Stature to the pro-reg side.  I could have sworn Cable was with them last issue when they walked out on Cap, but he seems to have disappeared.  Oh well.  One less idiot to keep track of.  And while we’re on the subject of defectors, Spiderman is also having second thoughts.

 

This may be the weirdest butt shot I’ve ever seen outside of the Hawkeye Initiative.  And why did Peter bust through the wall?  There’s a door right over there.  Never mind.  The more important thing is that Peter says Tony has been trapping all the arrested rebels in the Negative Zone without so much as a hint of a fair trial.  The Negative Zone, by the by, is an entirely different universe, and not an especially hospitable one at that.  I officially hate everything.

Spiderman manages to escape from Tony, though now SHIELD is after him and he takes refuge in the sewers.  Maria Hill decides this is the perfect time to start sending the supervillains after people.

“Mostly it feels like I’m stuck in a crappy comic book.”

Before SHIELD can come in and arrest Spiderman, a mystery man with a skull on his chest (okay fine it’s Punisher) shoots the villains dead, saving Peter.

Back with the rebels, Johnny and Sue have new identities as a married couple, because Nick Fury is a creeper I guess.  They’re all working on plans to break into the Negative Zone prison, which is called 42.  I refuse to acknowledge that reference because Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy is awesome and I will not let this comic taint it in any way, shape or form.

Anyway, Punisher comes in with an unconscious Spidey.

Pffft.  Argh, this ARTWORK.  Someone get a new artist on the line, stat.

It’s revealed here that the Punisher is the guy in the ski mask from last issue.  Not that they really had the chance to build up suspense about that.  He only appeared that one time, as near as I can tell.  Nice planning there.

Out on the streets, Daredevil has gotten himself captured.  As he is led to the Negative Zone prison, Tony talks his ears off.  Dude, he’s already blind, stop making him want to rip his eardrums out.

Really.  Tony Stark is trusting the government to know what’s best for superheroes.  Really—oh forget it.  I already explained why his role in this is completely screwed up.  This isn’t Iron Man at all.  I’ll admit Tony’s done some lousy things in the past, but none of them involve selling out to SHIELD.

Daredevil wants nothing to do with the SHRA or government-sanctioned superheroes, and instead gives Tony a silver dollar he’d hidden under his tongue.  How long was he planning this, that he just happened to have a silver dollar on him when he was arrested?  Still, I admire his subtlety and restraint.  If it were me, they’d have to drag me into the Negative Zone kicking and screaming “DAMN YOUR METALLIC HIDE!!”

 

I know it looks like Tony is actually thinking about the significance of what Daredevil has just said and done, but that’s the lousy artwork fooling you into thinking some character development is going on.  Move along, folks, nothing to see here.

Issue Six opens with Hank Pym and Maria Hill looking over some of those new, fifty-state-initiative-related superheroes that Tony mentioned to Daredevil.  Reed and Tony, meanwhile, have not learned their lesson about the dangers of cloning their friends and have inserted a blocker into the Thor clone’s brain that “should” prevent him from killing again.  Yeah.  “Should.”  These guys sure sound like they know what they’re doing.  Plus, the fact that they’re only installing this specific blocker now tells me they weren’t concerned enough about preventing casualties to bother installing it before someone actually died.  Stay classy, fellas.

Tony then asks how Reed’s recent meeting with the President went.

 

As if I didn’t hate this guy enough already!  Remember how adamant he was that sending his former friends to jail was the ONLY way to prevent them from creating “social dangers” and protect the public?  And now that his wife has left him, does he begin to think that maybe—just maybe—he’s in the wrong here?  Of course not!  He just shows that he’s an even bigger hypocrite than we thought and continues to plow blindly ahead with his idiotic plans while ensuring that he and his own family won’t suffer for his brutality.  Everyone else is free to burn for all he cares, just so long as there are no consequences for himself.

The Invisible Woman is currently under the sea speaking with Namor, king of Atlantis and desperately needed ally.  Namor, helpful as usual, keeps changing the subject, even mentioning that Nitro has “been dealt with privately.”  Gee, I’m sure glad we got to see the child murderer brought to justice.  Thanks for showing that, comic!

When we return to the bunker, we find out that Namor refuses to help, Black Panther is so pissed about Goliath’s death that he’s now firmly on the rebels’ side (took him long enough to get here—Goliath was killed two issues ago), and Spiderman has recovered enough to aid in the upcoming prison break.  Even a couple of supervillains show up with offers of support, though Punisher shoots them before anyone else can react.  Captain America doesn’t take that too well, beating the crud out of the Punisher and throwing him in the proverbial brig.  I’m not sure why Cap is so surprised that the unrepentant anti-hero just murdered a couple of dudes, especially since Cap himself let Punisher join the rebels over others’ objections, but why start making sense now?

Hey, it’s been a while since we’ve seen Doctor Strange.  Let’s check in with him, shall we?

 
Yes.  Yes there is right or wrong in this debate, and there has been ever since supervillains, clones, and government-sanctioned hunting of non-murderous teenagers got involved!  The only reason you can’t see that is because the writer doesn’t want you interfering in his brilliant plot!

That night, the rebels break into Ryker’s Island Penitentiary, which contains the entrance to the Negative Zone.  Unfortunately, they run into a few dozen technicalities…

 

Oh look, there’s Stature, ready to fight heroes exactly the way she said she didn’t want to.  Looks like switching sides really worked out for her.

Iron Man reveals that Tigra has been spying on the rebels, and Captain America counter-reveals that they knew about Tigra all along and that “you’re not the only one with a spy in your team.”

 

Thanks to Hulkling’s shapeshifting abilities, he played the role of Hank Pym so convincingly that he was able to open the Negative Zone prison, freeing all the captured rebels and setting the stage for one final showdown, which we’ll get to in the next issue.  Can’t wait to see if we finally hit the bottom of this bottomless pit of stupidity.

Next Time: I’d really like to know what Mark Millar ate for breakfast the day he wrote this so I can avoid it like expired brussel sprouts.  Or maybe that is what he ate.  Would explain a lot.

Images from Civil War #5 and Civil War #6