Justice League: Unlimited #28

Justice League: Unlimited is, as far as I can tell, one of the most beloved superhero cartoons ever created, and for once I agree with the majority’s opinion.  The show aired from 2001 to 2006 and really, the only thing better than the show itself was the fact that it had the most epic theme song known to man.  So, naturally, quite a lot of merchandise—including comic books based on the show—was produced.  And, also naturally, the comic had a very special Christmas issue.  Well, sort of special.  Almost.  Very nearly.

This story was originally published as Justice League Unlimited #28 in (I think) 2006, but I’m reading from the Justice League Unlimited: Heroes trade paperback.  Which always struck me as a somewhat redundant title.  I mean, what would you expect to find in a JLU book if not heroes?  It’d be like calling your movie Highlander: The Scotsman. (Though given the number of sequels they’ve made to that movie, I’m surprised that title hasn’t come up yet.  ‘There can be only one’ my foot.)

We begin with the Flash getting slammed into a Christmas tree.  On the next page, we find out what's going on in what is probably the most psychologically scarring Santa-related image since the Warrior Christmas special.

 

…the night Santa went crazy, the night St. Nick went insane…

Then Batman shows up and beats up Clayface and his elf minions with some help from the Atom and Elongated Man.  But we don’t care about Atom and Elongated Man because a) they are not Batman, and b) they never show up again after this scene.  So we’ll skip back to Flash, who fights with Batman over why he didn’t follow orders and tried to take on Clayface when he should have been making sure none of the elf-henchmen got away—which, no surprise, one of them has.   Flash insists that he still has shopping to do, but Batman orders him to track down the wayward elf.  Flash reluctantly does so, griping about Batman the whole time.

                
“How dare he make me clean up my own mess thereby preventing me from completing the Christmas shopping that I really should have finished earlier and could get done in about five seconds anyway because I’m the Fastest Man Alive!”

I know they’re trying to make it seem like Batman needs to get in the holiday spirit, but seriously?  Batman was in charge of the operation, Flash screwed it up, and now civilian lives are very likely in danger because of Flash’s actions.  Yeah, if I was Bats, I’d be cracking the whip too.  And it’s not like Flash would have been able to go shopping anyway, because it’s clearly stated that he was scheduled for monitor duty that night!  If he wasn’t out chasing after the elf, he’d be up on the satellite staring at computer screens for hours on end!

And really, writer?  This is the Dark Knight we’re talking about here.  Making him seem like a joyless Grinch who needs to lighten up is the easiest job in comics.  How do you botch that and make Flash out to be so self-centered and whiny?  And I LOVE Wally West!

Anyway, just as Flash is badmouthing Batman for no reason, the Phantom Stranger shows up to play Ghost of Christmas Past.  Not Flash’s past, however, but Batman’s.  He transports Wally to a Christmas several years ago, when Batman and Superman spent the holiday in Smallville with Ma and Pa Kent.

 

“I wouldn’t exactly call a boulder throwing contest a fair bet, Clark.”

“Yeah, well, I’m not the one who tried to replace the boulders with Kryptonite.”

“I was evening the odds, okay?!”

Batman’s visit culminates in what is quite possibly my favorite panel from any comic ever:

The look on Batman’s face when he drops the ornament is beyond priceless.  Someone needs to hang this up in an art museum someplace.  This alone would be worth the price of admission.  Consider this panel my Christmas present to you.

Not long after the decorating disaster, Batman pretends to receive a distress call from Gotham and cuts out quick, leaving the Kents to enjoy the holiday on their own.  Flash doesn’t understand why Bats would do such a thing, prompting the Phantom Stranger to take them back to an even earlier Christmas.  The first Christmas after the death of Bruce’s parents, as a matter of fact.  Of course they were going to go there.  Have you ever read a comic with Batman in it that didn’t mention his parents’ deaths?

 

Couldn’t have said it better myself, Flash.  Bruce opens his presents with equal enthusiasm until he unwraps a Gray Ghost flyer, a toy based on his favorite television show, at which point he immediately reverts to normal-kid-on-Christmas-morning mode… until he spots the picture of his parents above the fireplace.  They should really consider getting rid of that thing if this is the kind of effect it has on him.

Ignore the terrifying artwork for a second and concentrate on what’s actually going on here.  As the Stranger explains, Batman didn’t become a grump simply because he’s sad about his parents’ deaths.  He’s essentially forcing himself to maintain his anger because, if he doesn’t, he won’t be able to be Batman anymore.  He won’t be able to keep his vow to prevent anyone else from having to mourn their parents’ murders, because if he doesn’t constantly remind himself of that pain, the mission loses its urgency.  Personally, I kinda think that’s bull—just look at Nightwing, who is considerably less mopey when he’s well-written—but I don’t know, maybe they’re just wired differently.  And regardless of what I think, this Batman believes that HE MUST sacrifice his own happiness to preserve the happiness of others, and that’s pretty noble.

Now that Flash has learned his lesson (they’re apparently working under the assumption that he had a lesson to learn beyond “listen to orders, you dingaling”), Phantom Stranger drops him off right by a toy store.  Flash thinks this is his golden opportunity to pick up the Playtendo 720 he wants.  And that’s another thing that bothers me about this comic.  We’re never given any indication that he’s buying the Playtendo for someone else.  Actually, spoilers, he receives one by the end, and judging by his elated reaction, I think it’s fair to assume that he wanted it for himself.  Because that’s the holiday spirit, right?  Botching a crime-busting operation because you’re so eager to buy a present for yourself and then blaming your teammate for making you pick up the pieces?  MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY.

As fate (or phantoms) would have it, the toy store just happens to be the place that the runaway elf ran away to.  Flash beats him up, saving a little boy and his parents in the process because, you know, symbolism.  The family is forever grateful, how can we ever repay you, etc., etc.  Flash spots something just off panel that he wants and, presumably, asks the family to buy for him.  We end with a scene on the Watchtower, with Flash apologizing for being a jackass and giving Batman the thing he got at the toy store, which turns out to be…

 

D’awwwwww…

And, of course, Batman has bought a Playtendo 720 for Flash.  I’m beginning to wonder if Batman planned this whole episode from beginning to end, just to prevent Flash from buying the Playtendo for himself.  Because he is Batman.  And if Batsy’s smirk on the last panel is any indication, he is about to spend the rest of the night jumping around on furniture making airplane noises.

This comic is a good little bit of holiday cheer—nothing spectacular, but it’s nice enough.  The art is a little weird at times, but once we get into the whole Christmas Carol scenario, it’s cute and fun and does provide some interesting insights into Batman’s psyche (because we don’t have enough of that floating around, do we?).  Still, it’s hard to overlook the fact that the impetus for this story is total malarkey.  I know I mentioned this already, but it really does baffle me how the writer managed to mess this up.  How do you even do that?

Seriously, though, this issue isn’t worth breaking your back to find, though if you happen to spot it at a comic book shop or see the TPB on a bookstore shelf someplace, I’d say go for it.  Just make sure you round up Clayface AND all the elves before you start shopping for yourself.

Next Time: Gonzo’s taking the rest of the month off, so you’ll have to wait until January to see Bert from Moonlighting beat up Burt from Batman.

Images from Justice League: Unlimited #28 and lyrics from The Night Santa Went Crazy by (who else) Weird Al