Teen Titans #4

With the 2012 London Olympics now underway, I figured it was time to bust out another issue of the old school Teen Titans comic, and you can probably guess why by looking at the cover.  And, um, that’s it really.  So let’s start.

This comic was published in 1966, a year in which there were no Olympics, so our story actually takes place two years earlier, right before the 1964 Summer Olympics in Tokyo.  We begin at an American race track, where champion sprinter Davey Bradley handily wins the race being held there.  But instead of stopping when he reaches the finish line, he keeps on going.

“And he, your coach, is also calling you, Davey!  If you, yourself, aren’t home for dinner on time, she, your mother, will be very upset, Davey!”

The next day (I assume), at the Titans’ secret headquarters, our favorite teen heroes are reading an article about Davey’s disappearance when something on their private television channel catches Aqualad’s attention.  See, back in those days, the Titans had their own television station from which concerned citizens could broadcast their troubles to the junior superheroes in hopes of getting their help.  I’m assuming nowadays they have a YouTube channel and host live chats with troubled civilians on a regular basis, but in the ‘60s, TV was the thing.

Anyway, the guy on the TV is Davey’s dad Ted, who I am now going to refer to as Father Ted just because I’m running low on jokes and hey, the Olympics are in the UK this year, so why not.  Father Ted all but demands that the Titans bring his son back FOR AMERICA.  Just as the Titans decide to accept this mission, they receive a visit from fellow teen sidekick Speedy.

If anyone makes a crack about steroids and/or doping, I will send the Legion of Super-Pets to mess up your lawn.  Same thing for the first person who makes a crack about my use of the word “crack.”

Speedy tells the gang about how he was knocked out while practicing his trick shot, and the perpetrator inadvertently left behind a clue:

We’ve probably got a case of Harsher in Hindsight here, given the connection most people today would make between the Olympics and clenched fists, but that’s neither here nor there I suppose.  Anyway, the symbol is apparently the logo of international terror organization Diablo, which is the sworn enemy of the Olympic Games.  The Titans decide that they’ll investigate Speedy’s altercation with Diablo as soon as they find Davey Bradley, so off they go.  Or rather, off Wonder Girl goes.  For some undefined reason, Robin has decreed that she and no one else scour the area around the race track for clues.  I’ll bet the boys are back at headquarters now, eating all the pizza and making a mess of the cave.

Pfeh.  Men.

Wonder Girl soon happens upon a track suit hanging on a clothesline.  Turns out it’s Davey’s, and he left it there in exchange for stealing some less conspicuous clothes from the line.  Yes, that’s a fair trade—a nice pair of freshly-washed street clothes in exchange for a sweaty, smelly track suit that you can’t wear anywhere useful.  Or maybe he was hinting that the kid who lives there should get off his butt more often.

Wonder Girl finds Davey at a hobo camp of all places and drags him back to an abandoned farmhouse that the Titans have apparently decided to “borrow” for no given reason.  Robin meets up with Father Ted and tells him that he’s spoken to Davey, and Davey says he wants nothing to do with the Olympics.  Ted pitches a fit because, big surprise, his own Olympic chances were ruined by an inconveniently timed accident in his youth, and now he wants to win vicariously through his kid.  DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING, DID YOU.  But his “enthusiasm” for track has spooked Davey into thinking that his dad won’t love him anymore if he doesn’t win gold, and he just doesn’t want to take that chance by running in the Olympics.

After Father Ted leaves, Robin convinces Davey to fly to Tokyo with the Titans incognito—though “incognito” in the DC Universe generally means “a pair of glasses”, and Davey’s disguise is no exception.  Because some random teen who looks just like Davey and is hanging out with the Titans for no apparent reason won’t attract attention at all!  And it’s not exactly like the Titans’ arrival goes unnoticed.

After all, what would a 1960s Teen Titans comic be without pointless stereotyping/mocking of other cultures, right?  RIGHT.

All of a sudden, Robin throws an autograph pad into the sky and tells Speedy to shoot it.  As it turns out, the pad was really a bomb that (presumably) a member of Diablo handed him.  Which sounds like a pretty stupid plan.  Giving Speedy explosive arrows to turn his opening ceremony act deadly is one thing, but how will blowing up the Teen Titans—who, with the exception of their friendship with Speedy, have nothing whatsoever to do with the Games—do anything to the Olympics except maybe convince them to add more security, thereby making it harder for Diablo to sabotage them?  And that’s ignoring the really obvious point that, in order for the enemy agent to get the bomb into the crowd he wants to blow up, he first has to become a member of that crowd.  Too bad the plot failed; I was in the mood to give out a Darwin Award today.

After the bomb scare, the Titans (and Davey) head straight for the Olympic Village.  Despite presumably knowing better than to walk around on the track when people are training, Davey does so anyway and immediately gets chewed out by some guy named Kravik, who would have been Davey’s main competition during the Games.  I’m sure this won’t be relevant at all.

Meanwhile, a fight has broken out among the teams over the fact that someone seems to have painted “Cheaters Live Here” on the roof of one of the dorms.  Really?  “Cheaters Live Here?”  They couldn’t come up with anything better than that?  Like, I don’t know, “U.S. of Addlebrains” or “Ohwha tajer kiam” or something.  Show some creativity, guys! 

Anyway, Wonder Girl flies up to the roof to check out the graffiti, and then flies away without explaining why to the others.  My casual sexism senses are tingling!

I’d comment further, but I’m busy trying to figure out where Speedy’s tights went.

In other news, “shivering shafts” is my new favorite catchphrase.

But just what was it that Wonder Girl figured out?  That the writing on the roof was a projection, not paint.  She tracks the projection to its source and dumps the operators—members of Diablo, of course—in the village pool.  All this scene does is prove that Diablo really is here and really is trying to ruin the Olympics.

While this is going on, Davey runs off to run, and Kid Flash runs over to run with him.  Father Ted spots this mysterious yet supremely talented sprinter but does not connect him with Davey at all.  So… despite the fact that Kid Flash was able to recognize Davey’s “beautiful racing form” in no time flat, Davey’s own father is deflected by a pair of glasses which he probably couldn’t even see that well since Davey was speeding around the track breaking the Olympic record.  And what is Davey’s dad doing at the Olympics anyway?  Shouldn’t he be back home looking for his son?  Or did Robin let him know about their plan to change Davey’s mind about racing with “applied psychology?”  Which, if true, was a ragingly bad idea if this exchange is anything to go by.

There’s overbearing.  There’s stupid.  And then there’s Ted Bradley.

Davey is understandably upset by the encounter with his dad—hey, if my dad couldn’t recognize me around a pair of spectacles, I’d be crying too—so Speedy offers to let Davey train later that night, when there’ll be no one around but Speedy himself, practicing his trick shots for the opening ceremony.  How Speedy has the authority to let people into the stadium after hours, I don’t know, but Davey agrees.  And that night, the Titans each run into some Diablo cronies attempting to do bad things to various bits of Olympic equipment; each of the Titans ends up captured and unconscious.  Well, except Robin, who is just attacked from behind while watching Davey run.  And Davey doesn’t notice.  Guess stupidity is hereditary.

Oh yeah, and we also find out that Kravik is a member of Diablo.  Because any non-American who shows any competitiveness and/or irritation toward the knucklehead standing in the middle of the track while he’s training has got to be a bad guy, right?  RIGHT.

In all seriousness, though, let me see if I understand this villain plot correctly.  Kravik spent years of his life training to become the best runner in his country (wherever that is) so he could enter the Olympics… because he hates the Olympics.  Sounds… economical…

Anyway, by the time the Titans wake up, Diablo has chained them all to a set of giant Olympic rings in the middle of the stadium.  Sounds simple enough for the Titans to break out of, right?  Well…

And now, finally, Davey notices that something’s not quite right.  He yells at Speedy not to skewer his fellow sidekicks, but thanks to the blindfold, the Boy Bowman cannot hear him.  That must be one industrial strength blindfold.  In the end, Davey has little choice but to run over to Speedy and physically stop him before he can shoot another arrow.  Sounds simple enough for a world-class runner, right?  Well…

Davey gets to Speedy in time, only for Kravik’s cronies to spontaneously appear from thin air and attack.  Speedy’s weaponry holds them off (BOXING GLOVE ARROW!) just long enough for the Titans to break free and join the fight.  Diablo is exposed and arrested, blah blah blah, but what about Davey’s Olympic career?!!

Because, as well all know, every single male runner in the 1964 Tokyo Olympics was white, right?  RIGHT. (Actual race footage starts at 2:06.)

Davey comes in third and starts to apologize to his dad for being such a disgusting failure of a human being, but apparently Father Ted learned his lesson… somehow… at some point… for no apparent reason… and tells Davey how proud he is for winning bronze.  Holy McGuffin, Batman!

Like with the other issue of this series that I reviewed, Teen Titans #4 is pretty much just harmless fluff.  The overused slang toes the line between hilarious and irritating, depending on your mood and which way the wind is blowing.  The characters are, again, your generic hero types, and the story is both simple and overly complicated at the same time. (Let’s be honest, all we needed was the Diablo plot, not that mess with Davey and his dad.)  Still, like many old-timey comics, it’s good for a giggle and to remind ourselves that even today’s most serious superheroes had to start somewhere.

Next Time: In which the Fantastic Four try to be Indiana Jones and fail in every way possible.  Also, Reed Richards flunks Ancient History.  READ A BOOK!!

Images from Teen Titans #4 and Teen Titans: Year One